Is that the Hamburglar I just saw?

Anthony Reale, Dishwasher Enthusiast

Students living in Prentiss Hall were shocked to see a form climbing up the Memorial clocktower on Sunday night.  Assuming that it was some sort of ASWC Apology Tour stunt, most students shook their heads and returned to banging their heads against their $600,000 textbooks in an attempt to learn through osmosis.  The students who didn’t watch carefully are fools, as this reporter found. The ascender turned out to be President Hamburglar Murrey.

Dressed in her signature stripes and mask, Murrey was ascending the clocktower to light the traditional cauldron that greets the Trustees as they land their 24k gold flying pirate ship on the roof of Memorial Hall – like a perverted, sadistic Santa Claus.

According to campus gossip, the Board of Trustees (Smaug, Sauron, Beezlebub, Grimace, and Mike) is coming to approve the new dining hell – I mean dining hall – Cleavage Commons.  They had watched the progress of the dining hall through reading the entrails of various sacrifical goats, but now want to see the finished product.

According to sources, President Hamburglar Murrey will be leading the Trustees through a Cleavage specialty: a 24-hour 63-course meal deep in the bowels of the building.  After that extravaganza, the group will head deep into a cave in the Blues to discuss how they can “make students look the other way in new, more distracting ways.”

Illustration by Abby Takahashi