Student in Quandary after Door is Held for Her

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer

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Whitman student Jackie Daniels is totally freaking out right now because baseball team beauty Mike Bellafonte held open the door for her on her way to class, even though she was more than thirty feet away and had to walk faster to not make it weird. Sources report that Jackie was found crouched under the stairwell muttering, “What does it mean?” repeatedly to herself. After taking a double dose of Xanax, Jackie was able to calm down enough to come out from under the stairwell and unravel this complex social mystery.

Jackie reports that she vaguely remembers Mike being in a class with her. “This could be an act of passion,” said Jackie. “I bet he totally likes me.” Daniels does not remember what class they took together, but it could have been an SSRA. Or a history class. “Definitely something romantic,” she added. Mike’s girlfriend had no comment.

“Or is he saying that I can’t open doors by myself?” Jackie asked aggressively, taking a 180 in both her line of thought and her pacing. She launched into a long metaphor about how opening doors was like advancing professionally, and how it can be more difficult for women than men to get ahead in the business world. “I am a strong independent woman with firm grip strength and I don’t need some misogynist like Mike to open doors for me.” Jackie then filed her own tax returns with one hand while crushing walnuts in the other to prove her point.

Once the IRS sent Jackie her direct deposit and the walnuts were reduced to a fine powder, she continued wondering what it all meant. “I guess he could also have been on drugs or something,” she said. Standard door holding etiquette is to hold when the other person is within five to ten feet of the door holder, but Mike Bellafonte held the door when Jackie was at least thirty feet away, maybe even more. “He just stood there and stared at me blankly like a dead fish until I got through the door. Like a flounder, but less ovoid.”

“I just did what needed to be done,” Mike Bellafonte said. “I’m no hero, the real hero was that door.” The door, mostly glass with a metal frame, was unavailable for comment. At press time, the Xanax wore off and Jackie went back underneath the stairwell, mystery still unsolved.

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