Whitman Wire

Headlines

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer

December 8, 2016

Your Mom’s Gonna Love That New Ying-Yang Face Tattoo   “Why are Finals?” and Other Questions Asked in the Quiet Room at 4:00a.m.   Local First-Year Can’t Wait to Continue Not Giving a Shit about Calculus over Break   This Week’s Forecast: Hoth, with a substantial...

Student in Quandary after Door is Held for Her

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer

December 8, 2016

Whitman student Jackie Daniels is totally freaking out right now because baseball team beauty Mike Bellafonte held open the door for her on her way to class, even though she was more than thirty feet away and had to walk faster to not make it weird. Sources report that Jackie was found crouched under th...

This week in politics

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer

December 1, 2016

--Fidel Castro figures Trump Presidency as good a time as any to peace out --Reince Priebus revokes President-elect Trump’s Twitter access until he finishes last bite of steak --Nation’s liberals start believing in Santa for lack of better option --Report: Tryptophan to be used in Middle East...

In The News

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor

November 10, 2016

MONDAY Study: BBMB Majors choose course of study solely for intellectual self-aggrandizement TUESDAY Thanksgiving dinner with Wisconsin extended family poses foreseeable conflict WEDNESDAY Beginning rock climbing reportedly “quite chill” THURSDAY Cute guy down the hall seems interested FRIDAY Board of Trustees bla...

This week in the news

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Staff Writer

September 8, 2016

-Post-80s dance Prentiss brunch the surest sign yet that the apocalypse is nigh -RA spends a heartbreaking amount of time making bathroom “Crush Board” poster that will be covered in phallic imagery within the week -Princeton Review ranks Whitman #1 with Birkenstock-to-Student ratio of 3:1 -Mik...

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