Whitman Parents Marvel at Matured Offspring


Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer

Recently, Whitman College won itself a ringing endorsement from parents of students who have come back home for Thanksgiving break as scholars and adults. One parent in particular, Vanessa Wallers, reported that her son Jack spent a large amount of the break curled up on the couch reading Plato’s “Symposium,” and when Wallers asked Jack for help clearing the dishes, she got an eye roll and an exasperated, “Not now, Mom, I’m dismantling the patriarchy” in response. Wallers is quite proud of her son, and hopes he will do better in life than her eldest, who is working as a ski lift operator in Whistler.

Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash
Illustration by Taylor Penner-Ash

According to our sources, during Thanksgiving dinner, a quiet air of knowledgeable superiority seeped out of Jack Wallers like gravy over homemade mashed potatoes. “Did you know,” he burst out at one lull in the conversation, “that there are gender fluid and gender gassy people out there?” The whole table oohed and ahhed at how up to date he was with all things progressive, and his parents crowded him to ask him about just how many internets are out there. “Finally, we have an expert in the house,” said Vanessa Wallers, beaming. Jack is currently working on growing out his hair and hopes one day it will be long enough for a true man bun.

And the success of Whitman College at turning high schoolers into Responsible Intellectuals does not stop at the Wallers family. Another parent, Michael Gibbons, noticed that his daughter Eustace seemed all grown up now, and that she even was okay with running her own laundry loads. “I don’t know what you’re doing at this ‘college’ of yours, but keep up the good work!” Gibbons said. “I sure am feeling Blue,” he added, a tear of some kind of emotion falling down his cheek. When asked about her developments into the world of maturity, Eustace crossed her arms and said, “Ugh. I haven’t felt this smothered since I figured out I was into some kinky shit.”

At press time, Eustace and Jack have gathered together behind Jewett to share their newly acquired deep understanding of the human mind. “If you spell Philippines with o’s instead of i’s, it spells Pholoppones,” Eustace said philosophically, passing a joint to Jack. “Since Darwin was mocked for his ideas, could you say that he Darlost?” responded Jack thoughtfully. With minds like these, it is no wonder their parents are so proud.