Clinton Family Christmas Wish List

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer

The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some light on the inner workings of the Clinton industrial complex.

  1. The first print edition of “Fight Club”
  2. Nyquil I.V. drip
  3. The ritual sacrifice of the first born child of every staff member in the “New York Times” Opinion section
  4. James Comey’s home address
  5. Yeezys
  6. Foreign asylum in Facebook headquarters
  7. A scream room filled entirely with red, white and blue balloons
  8. Michelle Obama’s arms
  9. The number of an up-and-coming ghost writer
  10. Snapchat stocks
  11. Bernie 2020 shirt
  12. The business card of Vermont’s best senatorial campaign manager
  13. Clinton Estate-wide ban on glass products
  14. Electoral map adult coloring books
  15. “Fire from the Heartland: The Awakening of the Conservative Woman” on Blu-Ray
  16. Yoga mat
  17. Yoga class that consists only of variations of lying face down on the mat and screaming
  18. A cameo in “Hamilton”
  19. Jon Stewart’s tears in Keurig cups
  20. A mild amnesia-inducing concussion
  21. Co-host positions on “Between Two Ferns”
  22. Nietzsche’s complete works
  23. Melania Trump’s Social Security number
  24. Vacation homes in California, Maine, Nevada and Massachusetts
  25. “The Federalist Papers” printed on toilet paper
  26. A weekly podcast recapping and analyzing “The West Wing” episode-by-episode
  27. An 8-year cryogenic nap