The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some light on the inner workings of the Clinton industrial complex.
The first print edition of “Fight Club”
Nyquil I.V. drip
The ritual sacrifice of the first born child of every staff member in the “New York Times” Opinion section
James Comey’s home address
Yeezys
Foreign asylum in Facebook headquarters
A scream room filled entirely with red, white and blue balloons
Michelle Obama’s arms
The number of an up-and-coming ghost writer
Snapchat stocks
Bernie 2020 shirt
The business card of Vermont’s best senatorial campaign manager
Clinton Estate-wide ban on glass products
Electoral map adult coloring books
“Fire from the Heartland: The Awakening of the Conservative Woman” on Blu-Ray
Yoga mat
Yoga class that consists only of variations of lying face down on the mat and screaming
A cameo in “Hamilton”
Jon Stewart’s tears in Keurig cups
A mild amnesia-inducing concussion
Co-host positions on “Between Two Ferns”
Nietzsche’s complete works
Melania Trump’s Social Security number
Vacation homes in California, Maine, Nevada and Massachusetts
“The Federalist Papers” printed on toilet paper
A weekly podcast recapping and analyzing “The West Wing” episode-by-episode
An 8-year cryogenic nap