Whitman Socialist Front Embezzles Club Funds

Ben Freedman, humor edi

After being ratified as a club by ASWC, the Whitman Socialist Front has begun to make a name for itself around campus, attracting droves of Whittie comrades looking to see who can “out-liberal” one other.

When asked to comment on the success of the organization, club president Bryn Louise shrugged, noting that all praise must go to the ability of its ideology to confuse the club members into thinking real change is happening. “All I have to do is say things like, ‘we’ll break the aristocratic swine’s chokehold on the administration, and people follow me like I’m some kind of goddamn prophet.’” Moved by the empowering rhetoric and modest additions to their resumes, flocks of passionate Whitman first-years have joined the club, referencing their brief skimming of Selected Writings of Karl Marx in their Encounters class as the extent to their knowledge of the subject.

First-year Brandon Philips noted, “It’s amazing. We just sit there and naively discuss politics we barely understand, and every other meeting Vladimir from Anderson makes a spread of chicken broth and bread. We’re definitely onto something big here.”

As membership continues to grow, Louise is quick to mention that the main point of the club is to capitalize on the easygoing nature of Whitman students for self gain, as mentioned in his polished paragraph magnum opus from Encounters: how to manipulate collegiate socialists and get paid. Club regular Tommy Johnson added, “[Louise’s] manifesto might be a few poorly written sentences, but seeing buzzwords like “labor alienation,” reassures me that he knows what he’s doing.

The unique nature of the organization doesn’t end here. Unlike other Whitman-sponsored clubs, the Socialist Front requires a mandatory bi-weekly donation to help make its political goals a reality. “It’s so easy,” said Johnson. “You just give Louise twenty dollars in cold hard cash every Tuesday and Thursday night behind Reid and never ask questions. It’s clear Louise has the passion. I mean he insists on self-managing and appropriating the entire club budget. His commitment to helping others is un-paralleled,” added Johnson.

Although no tangible change seems to have yet occurred on campus, a Versace-laden Louise reminds us that, “revolution takes time and takes money (please make a donation).” Before further questions could be asked, Louise reiterated that “the political elites of the administration ought to represent the will of the campus and not millionaire trustees,” before quietly retreating back to his off-campus spring chateau.