First-years Prepare for Celibacy

Allie Donahue

On page 777 of the 2014 edition of the “Fiske Guide to Colleges,” the edition that the first-year class is most likely to have consulted, a student advises, “Prepare for celibacy if you’re an average human being.” Some incoming students took the advice to heart. Here’s how they prepared.

Laloma Pomero-Popez

“I took a very systematic approach. I have something I call my ‘fart chart.’ I assign my peers numbers based on the stink of their farts. When I enter a room, I sit as close as I can to the highest stink scorer, and I act very embarrassed whenever he or she emits a smell. It appears, then, that I am the offender. In this manner I have avoided all sexual propositions.”

Mamanda Mercy

“I was the BDSM club leader in my high school. In BDSM it’s super important to have a safety word. My word is ‘mercy.’ To prepare for celibacy I got it tattooed near my naval area. It alerts my partners to deescalate before they can even snap me into a pair of handcuffs. I’m working with ASWC right now to form Whitman’s first CBDSM club (Celibate Bondage, Discipline, Sadism and Masochism).”

Ligne Sinner-Quest

“I just..It’s been so hard! So hard. I just always had this dream of college––this vision. I thought that at college I could finally share my collection of T-Swift undies with another human being…But I prepared alright. I prepared by…by burning them! I burned them all.” [It was hard to catch the rest of Sinner-Quest’s statement due to her tears.]

Irely Worthaton

“I was prepared way before I read Fiske. My mother and father have always told me that I’m really worth a ton. They say that I am stronger than my temptation. Actually…here. Check this out. [Worthaton extended his left ring finger] Feel that bump? That’s my purity ring. I’ve worn it for so long that it’s became a part of my finger.”

Simon Seanoson

“You know, like, Jesus, yeah? 12 apostles, right? One of them was called ‘Simon the Zealot.’ Nobody knows about him, but he’s hella slick. I just channel him. Channel hard. Makes this celibacy thing chill as fuck. St. Simey was celibate, sure, but he still had the ladies’ attention. I think it was his toes they dug. Yeah. Ol’ fucker never wore any shoes. Had to honor his man Jesus. I show my toes, too, to, you know, remind me to channel. But I keep it twenty-first century: Flip-flops is where it’s at, bro.”

Babe Sterrill-Meskal

“Well, if you want to know the truth, I’ll tell you: I know I am not an average human being, so I did not prepare for celibacy. I’m the one out of every 5,480 men that is completely sterile!!!! You got it, no babies, no germs. The problem is, the only girls I get––you know, the only ones not being celibate––are super strange…like un-average, weird girls.”