Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Flannel, School Spirit In at Whitman

After months of debate, petitioning and bake sales, the student body finally has closure on the Whitman color issue. Earlier last week the Board of Trustees and the Associated Students of Whitman College released their final conclusion concerning the petition to change the school colors from the gold and blue that have graced the school since 1893. In their page-long statement, the Board of Directors gave their approval for the change:

“We have, after some discussion and review, concluded that the desire of the student body to change the school colors of Whitman College should be honored. Though the school has had a long tradition of blue and gold, with the blue representing the sky and the gold representing the wheat fields, these colors no longer suit the needs of the campus as a whole, as we have seen from the testimonies of Mr. Ridges and Mr. Behoovian. Therefore, the Board supports this change.”

After a poll was taken of the general student body, ASWC announced that the new school colors will be “flannel” and “unshaven,” as both of these write-in votes appear to have been added by 82 percent of the school population. This popularity appears to be largely the result of heavy campaigning by Beta Theta Phi for “flannel,” and by the rock climbing “bros and brodettes” for “unshaven.” Also in the running were “ripped,” “quinoa,” “purple” and “swaaaaaaaag.”

In response to the changing of the school colors, school spirit – almost nonexistent on the campus before – appears to have risen over 800 percent. President Gorge Ridges says he couldn’t be happier.

“It’s so nice to see everyone sporting the school colors in solidarity,” he said. “It’s a refreshing change of pace! Usually no one would even be caught dead in a Whitman t-shirt, but now, when I look out my office window, it’s a sea of flannel. The other college presidents will be so jealous. Take that, UPS!”

Student leaders are just as excited at this turn of events.

“I’m thrilled,” said senior Maya LeMaré of Portland, who has been leading the charge of color change. “It really shows Whitman’s commitment to unpretension.”

Her main collaborator on this project, and the man behind the “Keep Whitman Hairy” campaign, sophomore Adam Manchester of Portland agreed.

“I think this is a really great thing for the college and a great victory for the student body. Blue and yellow are just so in-your-face, you know? Not the kind of message we want to send. This is a lot more chill, and I’m down.”

Both said they would continue working with the college on key issues, but assure our readers that the mascot is safe.

“In fact,” said LeMaré, “We’ve found out a way to incorporate them both in a new cheer: ‘If you think our legs are hairy, you should see our missionary!'” This chant likely alludes to Marcus Whitman’s prodigious facial hair.

Students are equally excited.

“You mean there was a vote? That’s wild––when did that happen?” Micks said before taking a truly massive bong hit from what appeared to be a converted Nalgene bottle.

Fifth-year senior Frida Lincoln of Portland also commented on how happy she was that so many students supported the initiative.

“It’s always nice when Whitties get excited about something that is not running around naked,” said Lincoln.

Even the Board of Trustees seemed excited, since they released a memo today expressing their desire for further cooperation with the Whitman student body:

“We could not be more pleased with this change. We have too long tried to foster the image that Whitman is a reputable institute of higher learning and not a way station for athletic hippies, rich vegans and Kerouac-loving societal drop-outs a generation too late to be radical. We have already pandered to every other of your poorly-planned ‘save the world’ initiatives, so fuck it. Change the damn colors. And while you are at it, make the textbooks out of recycled organic hemp fibers and build the buildings out of soy. See what we care.”

So here’s hoping to see all you students in our new school colors! Hooray for Whitman!

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