Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Entire Class of 2017 Declares Film and Media Studies Major

In the Gen-Y era in which post-modern careers and alternative lifestyles are king, changes to the academia of Whitman College are inevitable, and they have finally hit. This year’s first-year class, bored with practical knowledge of the sciences and disillusioned with the socio-political complexities of the social sciences, have sought refuge in the arts––the cinema arts, to be exact. As a result, the entire first-year class of 2017 has collectively declared themselves as film and media studies majors.

Parents of these media-head students are quietly masking their fury that their children are shirking off their childly duties of becoming doctors and lawyers and paying for their parents’ retirement and country club memberships. Nonetheless, they are paying for a top-notch liberal arts education and their children will get it! (Even if it is a useless subject and their children will never amount to anything, and all of their vicarious hopes and dreams will be crushed).

Numerous generous parents have started raising money to expand the film and media studies department, holding yard-sales and charity brunches all across the country. They have also been combing through their old DVDs, donating their copies of “Mad Men,” “Scandal” and “Scooby-Doo.”

In the departmental expansion, efforts are also being made to develop a “media history” concentration within the major. Ancient artifacts are being gathered and curated in order for students to study them in a course co-taught by the archaeology department. In this class, students will study ancient technologies such as VHS tapes, records, phones with cords, dial-up modems and even, thanks to a generous anonymous donation, a rotary phone.

First-year students are responding enthusiastically to the news of the growing department. Upperclassmen and faculty respond with gratuitous eye-rolling.

When asked why he selected his major, first-year Jack Filmer, a recently declared film and media studies major, said, “Well, I like pretty much everything, you know? And with film and media studies, I can learn about everything, but I don’t have to actually do anything. It’s great!”

Filmer’s decision not to follow in the footsteps of his father and become the fifth optometrist in the family crushed all of his parents’ hopes and dreams.

Suzy Mockingjay, another first-year responding to the same question, said, “I kind of hate everything. I hate people, I hate doing things, I hate it all. But I don’t hate watching TV. That’s sort of okay.”

Mr. and Mrs. Mockingjay had high hopes of Suzy becoming a fifth grade teacher.

“That’s clearly not gonna happen. We have sort of given up on her now,” said Mr. Mockingjay.

Mockingjay was ambivalent about her parents’ disapproval.

The current film and media studies department faculty is ecstatic at the enthusiasm (and mild apathy) of all their newly declared students.

“It’s great having so many students interested in the cinematic arts! We are going to have to cuddle in close if we are all going to fit in Kimball Auditorium for the film screenings,” said Professor Robert Pickles.

At the latest departmental meeting, the faculty also decided that, with so many students, they would have to assign homework over the summer break in order to ensure that the education of the film and media students would still be top-notch, even with significantly larger classes. Each student is required to watch Netflix over the summer and be prepared to discuss upon their return in the fall.

“I mean, like, watch all of Netflix. Everything on it, even the really obscure movies that no one has ever heard of and the Disney knockoffs that came from who-knows-where,” said Pickles.

Leave a Comment
More to Discover

Comments (0)

All Whitman Wire Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *