Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Editor-in-chief Caught Eating Dirt, Baking Powder

The staff of the Whitman Pioneer is shaken and shocked after witnessing the downfall of their beloved leader.

Senior Shelly Le, editor-in-chief of The Pioneer, was caught eating dirt and baking powder in the Pio office on Sunday night by junior Opinion Editor Kyle Seasly.

After the Sunday staff meeting, Seasly and the other staff members left the office while Le hung back, saying that she had “some stuff to take care of.”

Seasly, remembering that he left his books in the office, returned about 30 minutes later. He found his books, but he also found Le perched on top of a table, cramming fistfuls of dirt and baking powder into her mouth.

“It was horrifying. I didn’t know what to do. I opened my mouth to say something and Shelly just shrieked, ‘Don’t look at me!'” said Seasly.

Le has since gone missing. Campus security tracked her trail of soil and powder as far as Mill Creek, where it vanishes into the water. Witnesses say that Le, covered in dirt, boarded a small raft carrying only a bag of dirt and baking powder and floated away.

“It was dark, but I could definitely make out a hunched figure hobbling onto a raft. I thought I was imagining things,” said sophomore Illustration Editor Luke Hampton.

Left without a leader, The Pioneer staff feels adrift and confused.

“Shelly was my mentor, my best friend and my soulmate,” said Seasly. “I don’t know what I’ll do without her.”

Senior Managing Editor Pam London is stepping up to take on Le’s duties. However, she is haunted by what she could have done to stop this breakdown from happening.

“I feel like I could have helped Shelly,” said London. “The last couple weeks, I noticed a lot of dirt in her fingernails and her hair. I saw the signs, and I should have said something.”

London and other staff members feel  this dirt and baking powder eating could have been triggered by Le’s anxiety in recent weeks. Le normally has to deal with a heavy workload, but recently she has been hard at work on her senior thesis.

“Shelly yelled at me the other day, and she never yells, so I knew something was up,” said London. “Then she yelled, ‘I eat dirt!’ which was pretty weird. I probably should have known something was up when she did that.”

Le also apparently contacted members of the science department to inquire about her unique appetite.

“Le kept coming in to my office hours and asking me if dirt tasted good. I don’t think she understands what astronomy is,” said Associate Professor of Astronomy Keil Legrasse Bison.

Many members of  the Pio staff noticed a change in appearance to Le in recent weeks as well.

“It seemed like the more she focused on eating dirt and baking powder, the less she focused on wearing clean clothes and stuff like that. She was like a milder version of Gollum from ‘Lord of the Rings.’ Except she doesn’t want a ring. Just dirt and baking powder,” said senior News Editor Dylan Tull.

This also explains several curious articles published in the past two issues, such as “Whitman campus needs more dirt” and “The top five baking powder spots in Walla Walla.”

“She made my reporters eat dirt as part of an ‘investigation.’ They were crying and pleading to stop but she just told them to put dirt on their faces to soak up the tears,” said sophomore News Editor Sarah Cornett.

As the Pio staff attempts to move forward, Whitman security officials are working with the Walla Walla Police Department to find Le.

“We are very concerned with finding her and getting her the help she needs. We also want to make sure she does not corrupt the local youth with her dangerous diet,” said Walla Walla Chief of Police Wally Wallason.

The policemen have placed piles of soil and baking powder at various intervals along Mill Creek in hopes of luring Le off the creek and back onto dry land. As of today, she has not been found.

“Honestly, I don’t care if she keeps eating dirt and baking powder. I just want her to come back,” said London. “But I would also really like her to stop eating dirt and baking powder.

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