Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

It’s Complicated: couple not posting enough photos on facebook

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, first-year Tasha Simmons is worried her boyfriend, first-year Dale Cane, is not posting enough pictures on Facebook to showcase their love.

“He posted a few selfies of us kissing in the wheat fields, but he didn’t post any of the matching Christmas sweater ones. How can I tell that he really loves me if he doesn’t prove it on Facebook? I’m a super private person who’s not into big public displays of affection, but this is just common relationship courtesy, you know?” said Simmons.

When questioned about his lack of enthusiasm, Cane was displeased.

“I tweeted five times about Tasha yesterday, and then posted an original poem about her on tumblr last night. I totally poured my soul into it. It goes like, ‘Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more hot,'” said Cane.

Simmons was not consoled by Cane’s alternative displays of affection.

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Photo by Emily Volpert

“It’s different on Facebook. It’s just so selfish of him to not post more pictures of us. How else am I supposed to make my high school friends jealous?” she said.

Head of the Astrology Department Mandy Candid agreed with Simmons.

“Well, Dale’s ruler, Mars, is rising, so it makes sense that their relationship is housing some tension. The stars are quickly aligning though, and I think that with time Dale will realize that Tasha is right. Venus just needs to stop being retrograde,” said Candid.

Candid’s predictions proved correct. In an effort to appease Simmons, Cane agreed to post more pictures on Facebook.

“I get where she’s coming from. I’ve been posting too many Vines of my cat and not enough pics of Tasha. I hope that I can make it up to her,” said Cane.

Simmons was thrilled with Cane’s response.

“I’m so relieved. Especially because I decided to hire a filmmaker to follow us  tomorrow, so I can post a live stream of our dinner date. Photos are great, but this will really give people the opportunity to see our true love in action,” said Simmons.

Cane could not have agreed more.

“As long as she gets me a good present tomorrow, then I don’t really care. I’m hoping for some booze,” said Cane.

Indeed, it seems that Venus is no longer retrograde. The couple is now on its way to recovery.

“Oh my God, I’m so excited for tomorrow. I can’t wait to show Dale the matching pink sweaters I crocheted for us. Now the whole world can see too! It’s gonna be hashtag adorable!” said Simmons.

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