Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Pio Columnist Confesses Publicly That He Joined Staff Just to Make a Joke About Jenkem

In a truly disgusting public interview with Whitman professor Chopra Winfrey, Pioneer humor and sports writer Tristan Gavin confessed freely that his reason for joining the staff of Whitman’s newspaper was to “try to make a joke about jenkem.”

Gavin admitted that he “discovered” jenkem, a hallucinogenic inhalant created from fermented human waste, this past summer.

“Over the course of this previous semester, I definitely tried to work up to it in my articles. I couldn’t keep it in me (giggling). Butt hash!” he blurted shamelessly.

Gavin, an English major from Santa Cruz, Calif., showed surprisingly little remorse in the interview, and couldn’t refrain from making more jenkem jokes. He walked into Winfrey’s studio with what one might call a “shit-eating grin” if that weren’t a wildly inappropriate and tasteless term, and exclaimed loudly, “Let’s do this! Public confession! No holds jarred, am I right?”, while trying not to snicker.

Winfrey began by asking Gavin about his most controversial article, crudely titled “21 Dump Street,” in which he wrote that “there are definitely probably some students huffing poop gas” and alluded to Whitman’s “21 percent jenkem community.” Gavin offered, as expected, a foul-mouthed response.

“Look, I’m not going to say that my articles have had a strong effect on the Whitman community, but I’d like to strongly imply it,” Gavin said, making an indelicate joke that he already made in a previous Pioneer article. “If you’ll look at the numbers from the lifestyle survey, jenkem use has ‘ballooned’ (snickers) in North Hall since my article was published. Also, ‘piping hot pile of justice?’ Come on! That was comedic gold.”

One of the distinctive features of Gavin’s humor writing, which he calls “brown journalism,” is his appropriation of topics like farting, pooping and jenkem that are wildly inappropriate and not remotely funny. Gavin also has a tumblr account titled “Leeeroyyyy Jenkems!” on which he posts pictures of ordinary, sludge-filled jars that bear no resemblance to those used by “brown junkies” and lack comedic value altogether. Winfrey correctly pointed out in one of the more tense moments of the interview that “when we’re talking about methane, there’s nothing to laugh about.” Gavin chortled as he drank what appeared to be coffee from a Mason jar.

The school newspaper’s editor-in-chief was unsurprised by the confession, saying that she noticed some warning signs during meetings.

“I asked a sports writer about the new ‘Sweets’ memorabilia shop downtown, and Tristan replied ‘Downtown? More like Brown Town!’ It was definitely a waste of time,” she reported with a surprisingly straight face.

Though he just received a shipment of brown rubber “MethaneStrong” bracelets, Gavin did hint that he looks forward to altering his subject matter, saying the strain of jenkem jokes was “running out of gas.” He now anticipates building up to making a joke about Whitman’s baseball team. He will also work on turning the bracelets into condoms.

Winfrey concluded by informing Gavin that a Google search for “Tristan Gavin jenkem” yields approximately 1,220,000 results. The grin returned to his face.

“Wow, I didn’t know I made over a million jenkem jokes!” he said wistfully. “Man, that was really, really fun.”

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