Whitman Wire

Jackpage: Understanding babies

Jack Swain • April 30, 2015

A week or two ago I went to Safeway and something really wild happened. I was minding my own business, contemplating the cereal aisle, when I came across a baby. She was standing up, wearing a fuzzy blue onesie and a full head of blonde hair. Her parents were nowhere to be seen. It was just me and the baby. We stared at each other.

Boy sneezes in Encounters

Kyle Seasly • April 30, 2015

It was 11:37 on a Friday morning in first-year James Leblooze's Encounters section with Tom Davis when something happened that changed Leblooze's life forever. Leblooze had been experiencing mild allergy symptoms but had taken a little Allegra and drank some tea and said later that he felt "genuinely good that morning and was definitely not expecting any sort of Vesuvius-like disaster to happen." But, it seems, that Encounters class was much like Pompeii in 79 A.D. and would witness an eruption almost the size of Krakatoa.

Tales from beyond the Frat: Confessions in the wake of partaking in the Jaeger challenge

Dylan Snyder • April 30, 2015

Now while the story I am about to tell is mostly true, details have been changed to protect the innocent as they were involved in the story. But the fear, passion, elation and misery that is discussed is all too real. I donâ€™t recommend doing this to anyone, unless they want to feel completely at a loss for words.

Mercyvail resigns

Kyle Seasly • April 23, 2015

It was to the surprise of many normally apathetic Whitman students that President-elect Jack Mercyvail would not be occupying to the ASWC Presidency next fall. In a surprise press conference followed by a solemn brunch on April 21, Mercyvail discussed his reasoning: "I cannot with good conscious ascend to the bejeweled Beerhozian Throne that Tati currently sits upon. Even though I ran unopposed, I did not even get 50 percent of the vote of the Whitman student body. I thought this election would have a better turnout with all these supposedly politicized Whitties, but it seems they don't even care about ASWC or me."

Orcas found to be conspiring to destroy all of humanity

Reed Hendrickson • April 23, 2015

Many plausible theories have been established by scientists as to what happens. Some believe that it is a normal change that occurs with age. Others believe it is the farmed fish that trainers have been feeding them. However, with the occurrence of more deaths by orcas in recent years, one scientist, Albanu Hariut, posed an interesting idea. Instead of any compiling a list of physiological changes, Hariut started to listen to what the orcas were saying in their free time.

Browning Out: Summer job hunt

Callie Brown • April 16, 2015

â€œYes,â€ she responded with the kind of half grin that you give to your weird cousin at family gatherings. Then, of course, I booked it out of there, after contemplating taking a picture with the cat and deciding against it.

Jackpage: Note found!

Jack Swain • April 16, 2015

The other day, I found a crumpled letter in a wastepaper basket. What was I doing snooping through the garbage? An ordinary person might think it unusual to browse through trash cans, but I find it actually quite worthwhile. You really can get to know someone by searching through their trash. Iâ€™m serious. And Iâ€™m not talking about fucking gross shit with moldy food, etc., etc., obviously. Anyway, this letter that I found was so curious and utterly real that the only thing I could do was have it published here. And it had beautiful handwriting. Besides, itâ€™s a work of pure literature â€” and donâ€™t worry I changed all the names. And if you ask me what the real names are, Iâ€™ll kill you.

Local man wants to settle down and get divorced

Trevor Lewis • April 9, 2015

In these uncertain times of almost 50% of marriages ending in death, it can be easy for some to lose faith in the sanctity of divorce. Luckily, hope springs eternal. This is especially the case for local fishmonger and ranch dressing enthusiast Rob Fenderman.

Whitman College Poetry Society presents: Heedson Redrick’s brilliant ”˜Poems of Punishment’

Reed Hendrickson • April 9, 2015

Sincerity A concept so important Yet so rarely true When you sit down on a stump to think Does the term really describe you? Oneâ€™s own ego tends to create a stink

Whitman College Pioneer given national comedy nods due to Jack Issue’s success

Kyle Seasly • April 9, 2015

Springtime is recognized around the world as a season of rebirth, fresh beginnings and a renewed sense of nymphomania. This spring, however, greeted many Backpage writers with the bitter taste of failure â€” similar to the taste of octopus droppings (although some cultures do regard this as a delicacy).

ASWC to pass resolution protesting imprisonment

Andy Monserud • April 2, 2015

Nearly a week after being deposed by the forces of Divestment in a bloodless coup, ASWC Senate will vote tonight on a resolution condemning the student government-in-exile's imprisonment in Memorial Hall. ASWC...

Divestment stages coup, secedes from union

Sam Chapman • April 2, 2015

Wearing masks made from locally-grown hemp fibers, members of the Whitman Campus Climate Challenge stormed the administrative offices in Memorial Hall yesterday, defenestrating President Jorge Ponts and...