Mercyvail resigns

Kyle Seasly

It was to the surprise of many normally apathetic Whitman students that President-elect Jack Mercyvail would not be occupying to the ASWC Presidency next fall. In a surprise press conference followed by a solemn brunch on April 21, Mercyvail discussed his reasoning: “I cannot with good conscience ascend to the bejeweled Beerhozian Throne that Tati currently sits upon. Even though I ran unopposed, I did not even get 50 percent of the vote of the Whitman student body. I thought this election would have a better turnout with all these supposedly politicized Whitties, but it seems they don’t even care about ASWC or me.”

Mercyvail took a breath and held back the tears like a post Cowboys game Ndamukong Suh.

Finally, he noted, “And with that, I will not accept the position of ASWC president next year. Without a mandate, I do not deserve the ruby crown and emerald scepter that Matt Dietrich originally designed.”

With that statement, Mercyvail stepped down from the podium and forever into simple civilian life.

But ASWC, like every powerless student organization when it comes to making real change, needs a puppet at its head. And that puppet has a name. And happens to be quite cute and made of real human skin. And it’s Dylan Tull. The former Pio News editor was confused and surprised when he first heard that he come in second place for the ASWC election. In an exclusive Skype interview from his penthouse in Capitol Hill, Seattle, the Backpage gained the scoop.

“Wait, you’re just fucking with me, right?” was Tull’s initial response. Nay, this reporter replied to Tull, and told him the story of Mercyvail’s resignation. Tull began to get emotional himself and took pity on Mercyvail for not acquiring the number of votes he wanted.

How did Tull come to be elected after graduating in 2014 with a B.A. in English? Apparently he had been secretly campaigning on Facebook but didn’t expect to get any votes. All the votes Tull received were write-ins, and he fared much better than the other write-in candidates, including “Mickey Mouse” and “Skippy the Bush Kangaroo.” “Maxey girl” and “Canoe,” however, were close on Tull’s tail, gaining 4 percent of the total student vote due to recent posts on Yik Yak.

“Well, all right then. I always dreamed of being ASWC President. I get a harem, right?” asked Tull. This reporter quickly corrected the new President-elect and insisted he only got a hairdresser.

Tull, quite ecstatic, even with the removal of the harem, plans to move back to Walla Walla and live (on paper) only on the stipend that ASWC provides the president.

“I’ll work full time as president and embezzle as much as I need from ASWC funds. We might need to raise the student fee in that case…” said Tull. “If I’m running low on cash, I’ll camp out on Ankeny and get swipes into the dining hall for food. For fun, I’ll just show up to Tamarac. They have great parties there on occasion, and one time I even kayaked down the stairs. I got a concussion, but because I was drunk I didn’t feel it.”

It should be a quite a year for students, as Tull’s first act is to open a “small petting zoo” in the tennis courts during the warmer months on Ankeny. He also plans to open a “Whitman Butchery” nearby at Reid that he insists has nothing to do with the petting zoo.

“It’s definitely going to have baby crocodiles! And hopefully bush babies if we can get an exchange program with an Australian school going!” shouted Tull. Tull plans to make the trek to Walla Walla a few weeks after the fall semester starts, just to make sure everyone “gets settled in before I start making sweeping changes to the campus. I hope the freshman are ready for the new king of campus!”

As for the new President of Whitman College, Tull is excited to work with her.

“I think if she likes trap music, we’ll find we have a lot in common,” he said. “If not, I’m a bit worried there might be a big of tension.”

Either way, students are in for a different type of president next year.