Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 5
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman College Pioneer given national comedy nods due to Jack Issue’s success

Springtime is recognized around the world as a season of rebirth, fresh beginnings and a renewed sense of nymphomania. This spring, however, greeted many Backpage writers with the bitter taste of failure –– similar to the taste of octopus droppings (although some cultures do regard this as a delicacy).

Indeed, it was to the surprise of many Backpage writers that the Whitman Pioneer’s “Jack Issue” was universally heralded as a stunning success, marking a milestone in the era of comedy. Will Ferrell, in a personal interview with the Backpage staff, lamented:

“I have no idea how to describe the Jack Issue, except as to say, it’s redefined comedy forever. I can’t compete with this level of humor. I can’t even think of a humorous way to spin this.”

Bill Hicks, Mitch Hedberg and Andy Kaufman also made a statement from the grave using recently developed technology.

“We congratulate the Jack Issue of The Pio. They know comedy better than we ever did or possibly could have. Tell Michael Stipe to write a song about that issue,” said the three men.

The “Jack Issue,” distributed annually as an April Fool’s edition of The Pioneer, received nods from the American Comedy Association, an offer from HBO to adapt one of the articles into a series and the Nobel Prize for Comedy.

Although most of the Pioneer staff is generally regarded by 74 percent of campus (who has had one or two drinks) as “pretty humorless,” this showing of untapped talent caused 100 percent of the staff on the Backpage to resign. None of the Backpage writers had written for the “Jack Issue.”

“What’s the point?” asked one former Backpage writer. “If the rest of the staff can come in and just be funnier than us, than why even do this? I almost died laughing when I read the ‘Jack Issue,’ but I couldn’t bring myself to sue The Pio. I’m just a failure.”

What will these unemployed clowns do now? They tried each week to bring a bit of joy the tiny Whitman campus –– only with their dreams to be squashed by an apparently gut-wrenching staff.

One staff member, who goes by many pseudonyms, including “the poet laureate of the Backpage,” had something to say.

“I thought my poems would bring joy to all. Like a goat blood-gutting on a full moon in November, or reciting of all of Lamentations during an All Saints Day vigil. But perhaps my ideas were too abstract. I thought poetry would be an outlet for creative expression, but it just turned out to be an outlet for failure,” he said.

The poet laureate took the news especially hard, dropped out of Whitman, and as a last ditch effort at both poetic and comedic justice (as well as reference), became a crossdressing lumberjack.

Another member of the staff, Lewis Trevors, began a silent protest by sitting outside naked of Penrose Library while wearing cat whiskers, but this too was a failure.

“I’m a failure!” Trevors yelled, as if he was speaking to the abyss. He soon returned to his fraternity to hibernate among other brigands and beasts.

With the Backpage leaderless and staffless, The Pio announced they would be just be printing a blank page –– to commemorate the failures of the said page.

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