How to Survive These Times: Liberal Snowflake Edition
Maddie Ott, Allergic to Muppets
October 12, 2018
We’ve all been there… your new iPhone 8 vibrates in your pocket and you eagerly glance at it hoping to see a text but are completely blindsided by an Apple News Update that brings your glorious liberal bubble crashing down. Brett Kavanaugh has been voted into the supreme court. Attempting to reco...
Snacks, Gas Money Provided for 4-Day Carpool Ride, but not Good Times
Ann Karneus, Corn Nut Addict
October 12, 2018
In a shocking display of falsity and deceit, Whitman freshman Dave Atkins did not supply what he promised on the drive back to Whitman from four-day. After posting a frantic request on the rides-digest-hel[email protected] listserv at 3:47 a.m. on Saturday morning, Maddie Wilkins promptly replied the ne...
Area Man Accidentally Voices Opinion on Israel
CJ Fritz, Notorious Jew
October 12, 2018
On Sunday morning, local man Gavin O’Neil was rushed to the hospital to be treated for shock and trauma. According to witnesses, O’Neil had been attending brunch with friends at Bacon & Kegs when the topic of Israel came up without warning. O’Neil, taken by surprise, accidentally voice...
Reid Airlines Takes Off!
Anthony Reale, Tooth Fairy's Ex-Wife
October 8, 2018
The Whitman College campus was a dreary piece of shit until the renovation of Reid Campus Center was completed. Some might say it was Stanton Hall that was the crowning jewel of the blood diamond crown of money spent in renovations this summer. Others say it will be Chuck E. Cheese Dining Commons (w...
BIRKENSTALKER SITUATION NEUTRALIZED
CJ Fritz, Professional Kissing Booth Attendee
October 8, 2018
For weeks, the Birkenstalker has terrorized the Walla Walla community, leaving Birkenstock owners clutching their sandals tighter than ever. Dogs have stopped playing, children have stopped laughing, and the sun has stopped shining. Since mid-August, the Birkenstalker has preyed on unsuspecting B...
Feeling Extra Rebellious Whitman Student Steals a Chair From Tennis Tournament, Sets it in the Middle of Ankeny, Sits on it, Runs Away.
Maddie Ott, Interested in Narcotics and Black Market Frisbees
October 8, 2018
The anticipation of the kill, the thrill of the chase, the satisfaction of accomplishing the hunt is all crucial aspects of surviving in this harsh world. Much like the biological drive to hunt and catch prey, the stereotypical rebellious Whitman student can also feel that innate burning desire to go in...
All campus statues to be retrofitted with speakers that endlessly blast “Business to Learn”
Anthony Reale, Corbin Bleu Impersonator
September 28, 2018
President Kathyannabellemonroegeorgiajohnnabetherine Murré’s tenure as leader of the College has hit its fourth year, marking a significant moment in the College’s history. Every time a new president hits their fourth year in office, they are required by the Sweet Onion Blue Mountain Missionary...
Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture
Annelise Ellingboe, Imitation Freegan
September 28, 2018
Wednesday, 4p.m. — In response to the student body’s outcry for a change, President Kathy Murray and Dean of Students Kazi Joshua have issued a joint statement declaring that Whitman College’s mascot, The Blue Mountains, will change yet again to Shrek. The statement comes on the heels of rally...
First-year breaks through with ingenious new reading of Marx
Ann Karneus, Rejected Mathlete
September 28, 2018
Whitman first year Tom Jones, who recently finished three chapters of “The Communist Manifesto” in Encounters, thinks that he’s ready to take a stab at what exactly this Marx guy is all about. After conducting an in-depth interview with expert Tom, let’s hear what he has to say about that tantalizing...
Oblivious Walla Walla tourist verging on third week at Stanton after mistaking it for resort
Ashlyn Quintus, Hard-Boiled Leg
September 28, 2018
Ahh … the end of September – when the leaves begin to turn, the air begins to crisp and Whitman’s campus says “adieu” to its first whole month in action. Well, all but one particular resident, who doesn’t know he really should say “adieu” … really … please … it’s weirding...
Adidas customers burning merchandise after latest scandal
CJ Fritz, Three Corns Stacked in a Trenchcoat
September 28, 2018
Last week, Adidas CEO Trent Whitestick was embroiled in controversy after announcing that he prefers wearing boxers instead of briefs. After catching wind of the shocking scandal, many Americans took to social media to show their disapproval of Whitestick’s life choices. Many disgruntled Adidas...
Sorority Recruitment Kicks Off With New Acrobatics Portion of the Selection Process
Maude Lustig, Hot "No Diggity" Dog
September 24, 2018
Disclaimer: The Wire must disclose that the author of the following article did not “get into” the sorority she wanted during rush. But she is NOT bitter. She made that very clear to us. Well, it’s been two weeks since school started, and you know what that means: it’s time for first-year...
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