Mystery Solved: Professor revealed to be garden gnome
Maddie Ott, Ground Beef Donation
February 24, 2019
In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes. Rumors floated around campus earlier that year that there was a professor who lived a double life as a gard...
Bluewood excited to announce new technique for keeping students at P&P
Anthony Reale, Unofficial Bullhorn
February 24, 2019
The Power & Privilege Symposium has partnered with Bluewood Ski Resort for the last 20 years now, after the discovery that some people use the day off to “shred the gnar.” P&P and the Ski Resort have been a bit frazzled in trying to figure out how to get Whitties off the slopes and into the Sym...
Ground Crew Gives Up
Maddie Ott, Famous Plaintaff from Kraft Foods vs. The United States
February 14, 2019
As they gather at the physical plant, the general mood is somber. With heavy hearts they turn their heads to face the storm. Holding hands in solidarity, they stare out the window, unified against the power. Mother Nature laughs in their grim faces as She utterly destroys Whitman’s campus. Snow, two i...
Big Tobacco begins drowning smokers to lower lung cancer statistic
CJ Fritz, Has a Rock in His Shoe
February 14, 2019
On Monday, Big Tobacco rolled out its newest marketing campaign for smokers. For years, scientific evidence has conclusively proved that smoking causes several types of cancer, especially lung cancer. In order to undercut the evidence, the marketing department of Big Tobacco has devised a way to...
Serious epidemic hits Whitman!
Anthony Reale, Campbell's Rat Noodle Stew
February 14, 2019
Something is gleaming brighter than snow this winter season, blinding the entirety of Whitman students. No it’s not the shiny rejection letters that seniors are receiving from potential jobs — it’s white boys’ legs! No one knows how to stop these apparently fearless boys from failing to p...
Walla Walla Valentine’s Day Restaurant Edition: What Your Choice Means for Your Budding Relationship
Ann Karneus, Best Baked Alaska Runner-Up 1923
February 14, 2019
Valentine’s Day is coming up, and you know what that means: it’s time to forcibly define that blossoming relationship you’ve been tentatively cultivating. Two weeks in or four months in, the politics of choosing that perfect spot can be complicated. So I’m here today to guide you through the...
Helpful study tip: do your fucking homework you pathetic piece of shit
Ann Karneus, Eight Frogs in a Trench Coat
February 8, 2019
Hey folks — this week I want to get personal and share some tips with you that have come in handy time and time again when I’m having trouble motivating myself. I’m all too familiar with the crippling mental block that prevents you from getting any work done, and I bet you are too, you piece o...
Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!
Anthony Reale, Moistest Envelope Licker '73
February 8, 2019
After an extensive research project, The Wire has uncovered a shocking crime perpetrated by the administration. The crime — student surveillance — was committed by Director of Bullhorns, Mad Lib Emails and Communications, Grosh Grensen. Grensen apparently used the same techniques as Ms. Frizzle ...
Student Casually Closes Out of Forgotten Porn Tab in Front of Class Before Giving Powerpoint
Ashlyn Quintus, Red Robin's Slammingest Chungus 2017
February 8, 2019
At 10:14 a.m. last Wednesday, in the classroom of Religion Studies 136, the professor and students thought it was going to be like any other day of student presentations. With the lights off and students leaning back and ready to doze, Ben Flicker moseyed up to the front of the classroom with his lapto...
After Success of Chuck E. Cleaves, Board of Trustees and Administrators Look to the Seas for New Way to Drain Endowment
Anthony Reale, Can Opener's Brother-in-Law
January 28, 2019
Deep within the chenille-lined boardrooms of Memorial Hall, there lies an unmarked mahogany door. Behind this door is a velvet ballroom, within which the most secret and important meetings that the administration has happen. This room, lovingly dubbed “Murray’s Bar and Grille” by admins, was fi...
Greedy uncle lands dream job in Alumni Fundraising
CJ Fritz, Soggy Broccoli
January 28, 2019
On Monday morning, Whitman College proudly announced the addition of a new member to its ranks of faculty. Lenny Andrews, local greedy uncle, was added to the renowned staff at Alumni Fundraising. According to Andrews, working at Alumni Fundraising has always been a dream of his. “Growing up, I...
In an Unsurprising Turn of Events, Reel Rock 13 Viewing Turns Into a Giant Whitman Orgy
Maddie Ott, Firmest Jello '06
January 28, 2019
With the thundering and heavy noises of Adam Ondra, a very well known rock climber, echoing in the ears of at least one hundred Whitman climbers and students at the much anticipated viewing of "Reel Rock 13" in Maxey auditorium last Thursday, the mood escalated from an excited murmur to a full blown...
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