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Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLVI, CIRCUIT
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman and WWPD: A Love Story No One Asked For

Arham Khan, Aspiring Mall Cop September 26, 2024

Ah, Whitman College and the Walla Walla Police Department (WWPD) — one of those relationships that lasts too long and has everyone wondering, “Are they still together?” The dynamic between Whitman...

How to Avoid Lymancest

How to Avoid Lymancest

AJ Johnson, Dating three people, all also named ‘AJ’ September 26, 2024

Lymancest: more contagious than the plague and twice as deadly. For those lucky few who’ve never heard of it, "Lymancest" is used to describe the sexual relationships that Lyman residents have with one...

Fan Mad Chappell Roan Asserted Boundaries

Fan Mad Chappell Roan Asserted Boundaries

Hunter Tucker, Not Like Other Music Fans September 26, 2024

A couple of weeks ago, pop star Chappell Roan made a statement expressing that she was apparently upset about behavior like harassment and stalking. Naturally, I decided to follow the story since controversy...

Now that Marcus House and North Hall are closed, which buildings can we mock? Here’s a list:

Hunter Tucker, Former Jewett Resident September 19, 2024

Marcus House and North Hall have been the two buildings subject to the most ridicule on campus for decades, so the loss of both buildings in such a short period of time has dealt a crushing blow to the...

RA’s warns against mega beds as leprosy runs amok through campus

RA’s warns against mega beds as leprosy runs amok through campus

Emmett Schink, currently being excommunicated September 19, 2024

Have you ever been tempted to push your bed together with your roommates and create a “Mega-Bed”? If so, you may want to consider your health, says the newly created outspoken group SAMBAL (Students...

Does Grandma Hate You or are You Just Afraid of Punctuation?

Does Grandma Hate You or are You Just Afraid of Punctuation?

AJ Johnson, New in Town September 19, 2024

“I made cookies. I love you. Heart emoji. Tooth emoji.” Intergenerational dialogue has become impossible to decipher, and nowhere is this more apparent than texting with Grandma.  We’ve all...

Cleveland Introduces New Vegan Option: It’s Still Sad

Cleveland Introduces New Vegan Option: It’s Still Sad

Arham Khan, MasterChef Superfan September 19, 2024

Well, folks, it's official: Cleveland Commons has rolled out a new vegan option, and like the rest of us during O-Week, it’s trying its best. And failing. Miserably. Now, I’m not saying that Cleveland’s...

Illustration by Helios Santoro

Whitman’s Love Language: Situationships & Commitment Issues

Meghan Kearney, never been in a relationship at Whitman April 25, 2024

Commitment issues are spreading through Whitman like an STD, with one situationship after another infecting the campus. It can start from a simple Tinder swipe, a drunken conversation at a party, or...

Where Your ASWC Fees Go: Explained

Arham Khan, not a narc April 25, 2024

Glance at your semester bill - past the gym fees you never use because climbing the Hall of Science stairs counts as cardio - and you’ll find the ASWC fees. Ever wonder where all that money goes? Let’s...

How to Flawlessly Justify Your Crush With Just One my.whitman Photo

Grace Canny, currently going around the block April 25, 2024

You have a crush. Yay! But none of your friends know them. Boo. You really wish you had twin telepathy or some sort of biotechnology that can display an image in your mind to a group. Ok, I guess that...

Illustration by Tali Hastings

YikYak attacked by pack of yaks

George Groebner, yak of all trades April 25, 2024

You may have recently noticed a trend in the styling choices of Whitman students toward tousled bangs, thick wool coats and pointed horns up to three feet in length. Before you try to imitate this...

Illustration by Mikayla Kelly

Architectural improvement ideas for the Mem clock tower

George Groebner, spokesman for the untimely April 18, 2024

If buildings could make wishes, the Memorial Building would probably wish that ducks could read analog clock faces. Beyond that, however, it’s difficult to think of anything this glorious edifice...

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