Top 10 foods that are much better cooked
Maude Lustig, Lover AND Fighter
November 11, 2019
Since the discovery of fire many years ago, people and things that look like people have been throwing shit on the flames and seeing what they get back. We here at The Wire have gone through thousands of foods to bring you the definitive list of the foods that you absolutely NEED to cook. Read on! ...
Obituaries for the plants that were gone too soon
Madeline Kemp, OneDirection tumblr Fan-Fiction Enthusiast
November 11, 2019
Lil Succ 20 April - 13 October 2019 Lil was eagerly adopted from the free succulent event by WEB last spring. She made it all the way home for the summer, battled a brief bout of wilting in the July heat, but persevered. Lil enjoyed poetry, long days on the shelf and tanning in her pebbles. She was ...
Child who received weed Halloween candy realizes he’s more of an indica kid
Ashlyn Quintus, Stinky Doctor Woman
November 7, 2019
On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange for a “trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat” while dressed up as K...
Man who trades in iPhone for flip phone likens himself to contemporary Thoreau
Ann Karneus, Aroused
November 7, 2019
Although technology in the digital age provides us with instantaneous connections and a wealth of information, the sheer volume of these resources can lead to a life full of distractions. Sophomore Josh Frederickson is combatting this dilemma by deciding to give up his silver iPhone X for a sleek Mo...
My professor saw me cry and now she’s my mom
Annelise Ellingboe, Unprofessional Young Professional
November 7, 2019
Amidst midterms and thesis proposals, I was feeling especially stressed and unprepared for the week. I went into my professor’s office hours in hopes of asking for just one measly extension but came out with so much more. As we started talking, I could feel something rising inside of me, and I ...
Area man who bought king sized candy bars for trick-or-treaters clearly compensating for something
Ann Karneus, Youtuber
November 1, 2019
Last Friday, area man John Studebaker was spotted exiting Safeway with an estimated $400 worth of Halloween candy. Kent Jameson, the cashier who handled the bizarre transaction, weighed in. “Get this — he bought like 300 fucking full-sized Snickers bars. He kept picking them up off the ch...
Skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with
Maude Lustig, Three Stomachs
November 1, 2019
Awww, how sad :( This skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with (get it?). One month ago the skeleton made a very public prom-posal to Jennifer Beef, the most popular girl in the senior class. They filled her locker with dirt and loose rocks before school. When Jennifer opened the locker, the rocks an...
Reid Market dresses up as Whole Foods
Madeline Kemp, Meme Archivist
November 1, 2019
One of the spookiest costumes being flaunted this season is that of Reid Market, with a stunning rendering of an authentic Whole Foods Market. We started noticing the resemblance back in August, so this Halloween the market is fully embracing its look by incorporating more decorative gourds and stra...
Top 5 candies to hand out for a bitchin’ Halloween
Elise Sanders, Allergic To Not Having Fun
October 28, 2019
Do you feel a disconnect from this generation’s youth, so great that you don’t even know what to give them on Halloween? Well, don’t you worry. Take my advice, and your house will be the most popular on the block. Circus Peanuts Kids love these classic treats. Nothing brings joy to thei...
Atmosphere at nice restaurant ruined by local six-year-old
Elise Sanders, Milk Drinker
October 24, 2019
It seemed like it would be a nice, romantic evening to diners at restaurant Le Ratatouille last Sunday night. Things would quickly take a jarring turn for the worst when a couple brought their 6-year-old through the door. “It’s that same sense of dread of you feel when a baby gets on the plane,...
Whitman unveils plans for “Resting Bitch Place”: Where the angriest bitches can finally rest
Annelise Ellingboe, Bitch
October 24, 2019
Following the completion of the Reid and Jewett cafes, Whitman has announced that they will be breaking ground on a new hangout spot where even the angriest of bitches can hang. Named “Resting Bitch Place”(RBP), the lounge will offer refuge from the putrid hellscape of the world outside. Within RB...
Sweatier weather: Jewett plague gets moist
Madeline Kemp, Rodeo Clown
October 21, 2019
There has been a lot of buzz around Jewett lately, and The Wire can tell you why. With fall upon us, naturally, it's cold and flu season. Many of us students are all too familiar with the annual Jewett Plague that strikes the close-quartered first-years around this time, and this year is no exceptio...
