“I made cookies. I love you. Heart emoji. Tooth emoji.” Intergenerational dialogue has become impossible to decipher, and nowhere is this more apparent than texting with Grandma. 

We’ve all received messages like this. They leave us staring at our phones, slightly nauseous, wondering what she could possibly mean. This is a rich and subtle message, one that must be dissected with care, lest you find yourself potentially scribbled out of the Christmas cards. Treat this article as your guide to navigating the dangerous unknown. 

First, take a step back and assess the threat level. She made cookies, but she doesn’t seem excited about it. At a glance, this text is flat, borderline contemptuous. These cookies, usually made with love, have seemingly been forged with hate. 

We move on. She did say she loved you, but she used a capital ‘I’ and added punctuation. Your first instincts tell you that she hates your guts, but you need more context before you can be sure. 

She sent a heart emoji! Your next immediate reaction is to lower your guard, and that is incorrect. She sent a heart emoji… with a period after it. Whatever you did, it must be really serious. 

You’ve reached the final piece of the puzzle, and it’s a doozy. This tooth emoji could be an innocent typo, but based on what you’ve observed, its intentions have to be undeniably sinister. 

Of course, there’s always the off-chance that you’re being paranoid. Maybe she really did make cookies, and just wants a nice chat with her favorite grandchild. Maybe she sent a text because she knows calls make you nervous! But why risk it when your pearly whites could be on the line? Defend yourself, steel your nerves and remember: she’s got arthritis and you can outrun her.