So your friend/roommate/Mom/love interest is leaving your texts on “read,” acting distant, weird, maybe even hostile. You feel hurt, angry, indignant, confused AF.
Oh, other people … the source of our greatest joy and deepest despair. Relationships are rarely/never effortless. Whether we’re talking about friends, family or romantic partners, anytime two or more humans are involved you will find yourself navigating misunderstandings, miscommunications, hurt feelings and defensiveness. Let go of the idea that you are uniquely unskilled or dysfunctional when it comes to relating with others.
We come to one another with feelings, expectations and needs, and we’ve all been marked by previous experiences with other people that go all the way back to birth. We’re probably aware of some of our “stuff,” but we only have a tiny pinhole view into what’s happening in our own minds and bodies at any given moment. There is a lot outside of our awareness that nevertheless influences how we feel about ourselves, what we believe we deserve and how we relate and react to others.
In short, most of the time, we operate in ways that are unconscious, primal, automatic, “irrational” and not, shall we say, super noble or enlightened. Throw together two or more people operating this way and it gets messy, partners … real messy. But we do our best to muddle through, understand each other and connect. Here are some things to keep in mind when relating with others:
– It’s likely not all about you. See above re: mysteries of heart and mind.
– Wherever possible, consider giving others the benefit of the doubt. “Never attribute to malice
that which is adequately explained by stupidity.” Or that which is adequately explained by inexperience or misunderstanding.
– Everyone ultimately just wants to be loved and appreciated and feel connected. Sometimes we do a bad job of expressing that, or asking for what we need. Offer grace to yourself and others.
– You can’t control other people’s reactions or feelings. You can own and be honest about your feelings.
– Being nice and pleasing will not make you a better friend/partner/etc. You will relate better with others when you develop a respectful, caring relationship with yourself, work to better know your own needs and emotional landmines and communicate those things clearly.
– Along those lines, don’t be afraid of direct communication. Being vague, indirect or passive aggressive leaves room for misunderstanding. Remember that EVERYTHING ends up being a communication, whether you intend it or not. Without direct statements from you about how you feel or what you want, people will interpret your actions and your silence and draw their own
conclusions.
– Conflict and confrontation will turn you into a scared, angry animal with teeth and claws bared. All your capacities for love, grace and conflict resolution will go out the window. So when you feel your heart begin to race or notice tension in your throat/stomach/chest, just PAUSE. Take a breath. Remind yourself that you’re safe. Try to notice what you’re feeling without needing to change anything about the feeling. Call a 10-20 minute time-out to go separate ways and deactivate. Until you and the other person are out of angry/defensive animal mode and back in enlightened ambassador mode, it will be impossible to connect and repair.
The counselors in the Welty Center can help you navigate this stuff. We know it’s hard. You can call to make an appointment (509-527-5195) or show up for walk-in hours Monday-Friday at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m. We’ve got your back, dear humans!