Hellooooo, sports fans! Are you ready for the latest innovation in throwing objects long distances, maintaining balance on slick surfaces and other feats of athletic prowess? Get ready for the Eraser Olympics! You may think it’s just the regular Olympics with erasers, but we promise you it’s much more. It’s an action-packed tournament of events so bizarre and with competitors so inexperienced that most of it will be less of a battle for glory and more of a ridiculous spectacle. Actually, sports fans might hate that. Hellooooo, ridiculous spectacle fans!

First, to clear up any confusion, and because the Eraser Olympics organizers are looking over my shoulder as I write this, the Eraser Olympics are a competition for humans. Nearly every event requires at least one attribute seldom found in erasers, such as hands, or eyes, or even coordination between the two. Erasers are forbidden from participating, except as equipment, in the Eraser Olympics. And no, dogs can’t compete either.

Back to the excitement: the Eraser Olympics will commence with a speed-skating showdown in which competitors will strap whiteboard erasers to their feet and slide at top speed around the perimeter of Reid Ballroom, soon to be remodeled with an all-whiteboard floor for the event. 

Following this will be the debut of whiteboard hockey, with teams made up of whoever managed not to fall down during the speed-skating. For an added challenge entirely unrelated to budget constraints, the puck will be another eraser identical to the skates, so if your skate comes off, look out! Not only will chaos and confusion unfold, but while you’re trying to get your skate back on, everybody else will be hitting it with sticks. Go wild!

After the hockey hubbub dissipates, the sharpshooting events begin. Archerasery, a zero percent clunky name that is sure to catch on, will be exactly like regular archery, only now the arrows are giant pencils. Critics argue that this event has barely any connection with erasers and should be saved for 2025’s Pencil Olympics (spoiler alert!), but trust us: next year, when sharpened, oversized pencils are flying around, you’ll want their launchers to have had all the practice they can get. At a high enough velocity, anything is mightier than the sword.

The Eraser Olympics are slated to take place during the first week of finals, with continuous radio commentary broadcast throughout all academic buildings, the library and the basements of residence halls. To sign up, write your name and contact information on an eraser and leave it under Styx’s front left hoof at half past midnight on alternate Thursdays. Gooooooo, Blues!