Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 9
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Booby traps & security lasers to be added to Reid Cafe

Illustration by Edyn Parsell

On Feb. 29, something arrived in Reid Café and it was not a new soft serve machine. The Café’s bold dual entrance design has been exploited by thieves from every class, leading to increasing security measures. The latest attempt to keep all that Amy’s frozen Mac & Cheese safe: Bond-esque laser fields and hair-trigger booby traps.  

Reid Café had previously employed a number of strategies to discourage the ruthless pillaging of sticky-fingered undergraduates. Most successful was Styxberus, a project of virtuoso BBMB majors who genetically engineered a living three-headed Styx to sit in front of the door and sniff out bandits. However, sweet old Styxberus was no match for the 4 o’clock rush of sweet-treat seeking students. 

The chief deterrent is the heat-seeking laser system. 

“The laser path changes every six hours so any attempt to learn it is futile. I don’t even think Bon App knows how it all works but we were told if you use student charge, the lasers are desensitized to your face,” said a Reid Cafe employee, who agreed to speak anonymously about the advanced security system. 

One disgruntled employee shared the pitfalls of such a complicated security system: “I have been burned by the purple lasers when I was restocking the Red Vines, which was excruciatingly painful, as if anyone would steal Red Vines. And the other day I was cleaning under the soup warmer and I was pied in the face out of nowhere … so it definitely has some kinks to work out.” 

Many students are unwilling to share what they’ve learned about the program, for fear of it being used against them, unwilling to risk losing their ability to steal their favorite bag of chips and a Snickers bar. Information about the booby trap designer and laser supplier is incredibly hard to obtain. Numerous emails and interview requests have been made, but Bon Appétit has declined to comment, though The Wire investigators have found several large Temu boxes in Reid recycling. 

Though its rate of success is unknown, the system was reportedly quite expensive and likely to stick around until rendered ineffective by tenacious and voracious Whitman students. But by the noticeably fuller shelves of Reid, there’s a chance the second door may open by the end of the month. 

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