If you take a walk around campus, you might see a lot of bikes. If you keep walking around campus, you might see a lot of bikes without tires. And if you looked in my garage, you might see it full from floor to ceiling with aforementioned bike tires. But before I’m drawn and quartered for stealing the tires from your brand-new bike purchased by Daddy’s money at Allegro, don’t you want to know what I’m building?

You’re probably thinking: ‘Oh, a nonsensical disconcerting outdoor sculpture! We do need a few more of those.’ And you’d be wrong on both counts. I am not building a nonsensical outdoor sculpture. It’s not because I don’t have ideas for a sculpture! I would love to make the Maxey demons a few friends. I’d be honored to recreate the miscellaneous items tractor by Fouts (IYKYK). But the task I have been called to do is far greater.

There are a few contenders for my project. The Organic Garden needs a new chicken coop. Human Centered Design and BBC probably need their own building, they are simply too interdisciplinary and ground breaking to be housed in our decrepit Olin and Maxey Halls. Plus, we need to get cracking on Harvey Hall, because I’ve been in some of those off campus houses and well… 

But none of those are my true cause. 

I have been commissioned by Whitman’s Upward campaign to build a very logical and rational indoor art piece for the celebration party when they reach their $200 million goal. My concept is The Girl With the Pearl Earring, but instead it’s Styx and it’s all made out of bike tire pieces. It’s going to be stunning. I will begin sourcing the material on which I can portray my masterpiece, and without incriminating myself, some might say BFFC window shades make a perfect canvas. 

All this to say, your bike tires are going to a good cause: making mildly interesting art for rich people to stare at and feel pleased with themselves.