Whitman majors as Biological phyla

Rachel Husband, Can I spit on you? Sorry, that's my STEM elitism talking

If you know me, then you know I’m an ES-Bio major recently diagnosed with mental illness, I abhor the discipline of sociology and I only believe in sticking to themes at the MET gala. Here are my rankings of various majors as biological animal phyla based on my feeble knowledge from Bio-112.

*Friends and family, don’t take this personally. Enemies, do take this personally. This is an insult. You know who you are.

Art – Echinodermata

Echinoderms include most notably star fish and sea urchins. While beautiful and a testament to the intricacies of evolution, a star fish’s anal pores are unfortunately located on top of it’s body. Nothing says artistry like exposing your butthole for the world to see.   

Anthropology – Mollusca

This phylum includes snails, squid, octopi, nudibranchs and clams. It is the second largest phylum of invertebrates. I cannot seem to walk 10 feet without running into an Anthro major. Y’all are abundant, slimy and cute but in a gross kind of way. 

Biology – Chordata

This phylum includes amphibians, mammals, reptiles and distinctive assholes! The more you know!

Computer Science – Rotifera

If you google search Rotifera, the animal that shows up is small, limp and tubular with two mounds for excretion. In short, it looks like a small flaccid dick. Rotifers are abundant and unfortunately, highly successful at reproducing. 

Classics – Choanoflagellates

Choanoflagellates technically aren’t animals because they’re unicellular and prokaryotic, but your area of study isn’t technically a major at this point anyways. How y’all doing after the FSR? Bad, right? 

Economics – Annelida

Annelids are segmented worms. This includes both terrestrial and marine worms. Female econ majors are like terrestrial earthworms, adorable and frequently used by men who love fishing. Male econ majors are more like marine annelids, a little off-putting and generally upsetting if you found one in your bed (Google search polychaetes).

English – Platyhelminthes

Platyhelminthes are also worms. Unlike Annelids, Platyhelminthes are flat to increase surface area for absorption of nutrients: yerba mate, Chaucer and overdue essays.  These cute little bastards are sometimes free-living but most of the time are parasitic, like English majors after graduation. 

Film and Media Studies – Acoela

Acoela are another type of worm. They’re pretty to look at but I don’t know what they do. 

Geology – Porifera

Sedentary, sessile? Same thing right? Porifera famously consist of sponges. Yes, sponges are animals. Yes, they’re also a kitchen utensil. No, I don’t belong in the kitchen. Every Geo major I’ve ever met has the personality of SpongeBob, fun but annoying. 

History – Branchiopoda

Y’all do something I guess, I don’t know what it is though. Odd-looking motherfuckers. 

Philosophy – Hemichordata

The only non-extinct Hemichordates are acorn worms, a fact that I unfortunately forgot on the last Bio112 lab practical. My favorite philosopher is Chicken Little, protagonist from the hit film Chicken Little who, most famously, was hit on the head by an acorn and proclaimed that the sky was falling. I would like to pelt Philosophy majors with acorns but the law says I cannot. 

Politics – Cnidaria

The phylum Cnidaria include mainly jellyfish, both harmful and not. They all look the same though, so quite frankly I’m keeping my distance no matter what. The same goes for Politics majors. 

Psychology – Arthropoda

Psych majors just give me big bug vibes (derogatory). This phylum includes insects, spiders, millipedes, and centipedes. I think if bugs could use email, they would also take over the student digest asking people to take their thesis surveys.

Religion – Ctenophora

Ctenophora are similar to Cnidaria, but at first you can’t tell. Species like the Walnut Jelly are silica ringed and just float around, looking like little blobs of transparent goo. Because of their small size and relative rarity, Ctenophora often go unnoticed. I know I don’t think about them ever. Much more important things to pay attention to in my opinion. 

Sociology – Nematoda

Nematodes are the worst. These are also worms but bad. Am I being speciest? Yes. Do I hate sociology? Also yes. Nematodes are parasitic, rarely free living and the largest of them, Ascaris, slithers through the intestines of its hosts, causing mayhem, discomfort and destruction, much like Sociology majors. They contribute little added value to society and try and worm their way into conversations, telling you stupid things about how we can’t predict the actions of an individual but we can predict the actions of groups. No duh. Wiggle around in someone else’s intestines. I’m staying #nematodefree.

Theater and Dance – Ectoprocta

TBH I don’t even know what these are. Why are you getting this degree from Whitman? That’s all I have to say.