The strange weather of this past weekend has been attributed to the presence of God in the greater Walla Walla region. Snow, hail, sunshine and rain have been spotted on Whitman campus within a 24 hour period, irritating students too stylish to put on a coat (me).

While many credit the oddness of this April’s weather to climate change, a large stormy figure was spotted hovering above the Walla Walla University campus, shouting “checkmate atheists” in the direction of Whitman College.

Many believe this being is God, summoned by the Seventh Day Adventist university in response to widespread sinning at Whitman College.

Walla Walla University students are upset by a wide variety of sins committed at Whitman both past and present, including but not limited to: homosexuality, consumption of alcohol, consumption of weed, colonialism, white privilege, piercings, tattoos, polygamy, monogamy, science, majoring in econ, liberalism, republicanism, communism, Marxism, spreading the plague, participation in the free market, dyed hair, caffeine consumption and using the word “pussy” in casual conversation.

God, who has been known to influence humanity through weather-related events, said to The Wire, “I’m anti- three things, okay? Depression, slacklining and belly button piercings. They are not slay and they are not okay. There’s an awful lot of these three things at Whitman. So I’m madder than Judas on Easter Sunday. Put those navels away. It’s 35 degrees out.”

The presence of God has not stopped Whitman students from continuing to slay and yasss about in the cold weather. Both number of piercings and homosexual activity have gone up by 20% in the last week alone.

A female-identifying student said, “God’s problematic, heteronormative ideals are so 1469, so I married my girlfriend in the hail as a protest.”

Another student said, “Yeah this weird weather really just made me want to do something crazy this week, so I got my labia pierced at Tatmandu Walk-in Wednesdays.”

When the winter storm cleared, a rainbow appeared in the sky, much to the dismay of God and WWU. Whitman College Gays – 1, God – 0. Game over.