Pete Davidson, comedian, SNL star and talking blond bag of tattooed weasels, has recently confirmed his relationship with socialite and businesswoman Kim Kardashian, reaffirming the widespread conception that funny people are, in fact, the most fuckable. I, a completely unbiased, recently single, very-very funny reporter of stunning beauty, felt it was my journalistic duty to cover this issue.

While everyone already kind of knows that funny people pull the most bitches, until this moment, it was not widely accepted as a bona fide fact. In fact, most of the nation was shocked at the announcement of their relationship. Kim Kardashian is a beautiful supermodel and Pete is the human embodiment of a wet cigarette. Like yeah I’m attracted to him, but is he actually attractive? That’s a much bigger and more complex question. 

Davidson, the only funny man left in New York City after John Mulaney’s relocation to Hollywood, does have a considerable and impressive dating history. Pre-COVID, Davidson was briefly engaged to popstar Ariana Grande, causing mass bisexual hysteria across the greater population of tweens before the wedding was called off. He has dated Bridgerton stars, Larry David’s daughter and a general assortment of good-looking women who do service to society simply through their beauty.

With the addition of Kim K to Davidson’s extensive list of romantic partners, I think we can safely conclude that the widely accepted notion of funny people being the hottest, sexiest and most screwable individuals is, in fact, true. There’s no way that Pete’s sexual success has anything to do with the fact that he might genuinely be a good person, with a good personality and good relationship with his mom. The only way he can be this lucrative is because he can make people do a little hehe or haha or hoohoo. 

Anyways, if anyone is looking to test this theory, I am in fact soliciting inquiries. If you look like either Kim K or Pete Davidson please hit me up at 509-527-5132.