Senior playing hard to get with post-grad employers

Cade Schott, Journalist and not really sure how to make rice

As their time at Whitman comes to a close, seniors are preparing their next steps. Many are in the midst of submitting dozens of job applications, trying to crack the stingy post-pandemic job market. However, one senior, Thomas Dildos, a Sociology major from Newton, Massachusetts, is taking a different approach.

Dildos describes his peers’ efforts toward gaining employment, sending out copies of their resumes and cover letters, as “thirsty.” Characterizing his own strategy, Dildos has this to say, “Instead of sounding desperate like my friends, I have decided to play it cool, let jobs come to me.”

Over his three and a half years at Whitman, Dildos has earned a 2.83 GPA and been involved in zero (0) clubs. He was once a member of a fraternity, but promptly dropped citing the fact they “just give bids out to anyone” as being “embarrassing.” His summer employment has been exclusively as an assistant youth lacrosse coach.

The Wire was able to get in touch with a recruiter from one firm considering Dildos a candidate, to ask them about his unconventional employment etiquette. 

“It has been frustrating going through the hiring process with Thomas, for sure. He hardly responds to emails and when he does, he’s incredibly informal, using words such as ‘hella’ and ‘dope.’ We have tried on many occasions to schedule interviews with Mr. Dildos. His most recent response was: ‘cool. that could be fun. i am pretty busy so i’ll let you know.-tommy D.’” 

The recruiter concluded by adding, “But honestly, the way he is keeping us at arm’s length only makes me want to hire him more.”

Despite his distinctive strategies and inadequate resume, Dildos has several more leads on jobs, thanks to his personal network within his dad’s company.