In the recent Financial Sustainability Review (FSR), the Athletics Department recommended marketing a Whitman Athletics branded wine as a tool for generating revenue. Due to tomfoolery within the administration, Whitman College finds itself at a $3.5 million (or more) deficit coming into the next fiscal year which is maybe a little oopsie. 

The College is attempting to save even more money by punishing athletes for breaking COVID-19 protocol by sending them to vineyards to make wine. The Athletics branded wine is projected to generate approximately $250,000 and save half that through unpaid athlete workers. This is an interesting, but profitable policy move. Here’s why:

The FSR is an amalgam of massive, fundamental budget cuts and 5-Minute Craft hacks. The Whitman Athletics Wine is a key pillar in their strategy to balance the budget along with destroying almost everything that makes Whitman a worthwhile institution. 

With the recent outbreak in Anderson Hall, Whitman is cracking down on COVID-19 safety, particularly within the athletics teams. Students have reported athletes living in Jewett for improper mask usage and general cockiness around campus. In an effort to combat this trend, athletes caught breaking restrictions will be sent to a variety of local social-distanced wineries to perform manual labor.

Athletes seem to be operating under the assumption that Whitman students give a damn about their ball-throwing abilities and have since decided it’s okay to flash the student body with the tips of their noses. 

Their punishment includes tasks like picking, processing stems or smashing grapes. While machinery does exist to perform all these functions, the College decided it would be much more cost effective and delicious to use sweaty manual labor. 

The wines should be available for a fall release. Flavor portraits include Walla Walla Athlete’s Foot, ‘Rona Red Blend, Perspiration Pinot Noir, Save Our Club Sports Sirah and No-Sabbaticals Sauvignon Blanc.