Trump’s ‘Fake News’ was just The Wire humor section all along

Fielding Schaefer, Trump’s favorite news faker

Another day, another Donald Trump attack against America’s ‘Fake News.’ Yet, a recent tweet of his has highlighted that his primary ‘news’ source isn’t actually news at all. In fact, it’s now been confirmed that the only news source he has read in the past seven years has been The Wire’s humor section. All along, Trump simply mistook our humble satire column to be America’s premier mass media outlet.

The tweet directly cited issue 7’s “Florida Men reconsider sexuality after Trump offers to kiss them.” 

In regards to the article, Trump remarked, “The FAKE NEWS is saying my male supporters and I are bisexuals! They want us all to be gay. Say goodbye to your family values!”

This has left most Americans scratching their heads. His cabinet looked back through his Twitter and found many other, similar nonsensical remarks. All of them referenced articles that no one had even heard of, and they were all traced back to The Wire’s humor page.

One blatant example is when they found a tweet from 2017, in which he called out another Wire humor article that reported on Trump appointing Panera chicken and wild rice soup as his new National Security Advisor. His tweet read, “This is what the liberals believe! The FAKE NEWS has brainwashed them all!”

The Commander in Chief was sure that he hadn’t made a mistake, and was happy to show the world his phone history. To his dismay, the evidence was obvious: Trump had not read anything but Whitman Wire satire since owning a smartphone. His tweets have never made sense, and now it all makes sense.

 An investigation into this fiasco was leaked recently. As it turns out, the mishap can be traced back to many years ago, when his ex-wife Ivana pranked her gaudy ex by setting his home safari page to The Wire’s humor feed and blocking all other major news sites. Since then, Trump has misconstrued all of the joking articles to be the fraudulent schemes of national media sources.

In a press conference following the tweet, Trump apologized to America and its news outlets, kinda. He stated, “I stand by my statements about FAKE NEWS. That Whitman Wire is a liberal hoax that should be banned. I’m not sure what the real news has been saying since I became president, but I’m sure it is all glowing praise.”