Florida men reconsider sexuality after Trump offers to kiss them

Madeline Kemp, was called the gay f-word this week

Fresh out of the hospital, Trump hand-delivered COVID-19 to rallies across the nation last week, starting with Sanford, Florida. While many expected him to push through these final weeks of campaigning, positive test result be damned, Trump delivered more than what many bargained for and stirred the masses of long-closeted Florida bisexuals. 

Trump has and continues to set a shining example for his followers on dealing with the coronavirus, back to trailblazing after a mere three days of rest and isolation. He promised the masses in Sanford, “I feel so powerful, now they say I’m immune.” So powerful in fact that, “I’ll kiss everyone in that audience. I’ll kiss the guys and the beautiful women. Just give you a big fat kiss.” Now, Number 45 has made a lot of promises, but this one got the people going; it was provocative. 

Since this rally, bisexual Floridian men have been coming out in droves, yearning for that COVID-riddled kiss from their #1 man. They positively drooled for the entire duration of his 65 minute speech, promptly turning to their wives to clarify that if they were granted a celebrity hall pass, it would be to bone Mr. Trump, and this could apply to the both of them. 

One attendee contributed, “I’ve always fancied myself more family-oriented than the queers, but when Donald Trump looked out into the audience and promised a guy like me a kiss, I saw myself in that man in a way I never have before. ‘Both the men and beautiful women’ – I really felt that. And if that’s what it takes to prove this virus is a hoax, count me in.”

A representative for Trump’s campaign commented, “At the time we were excited to see him back and bold as ever, the kissing thing making it into so many headlines. A week later we are surprised by this unexpected trend in sexual orientation, but we will take all the support we can get.”

Trump, while standing by his claims as always, will not comment further on his own sexuality or show support for his newly-bisexual Floridian fans in either direction.