32 ways to be productive during a Zoom “class” with your camera and mic off

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

AE, Creature
April 14, 2020

  1. Watch seasons one through six of “Sex and the City.“
  2. Watch the first “Sex and the City” movie.
  3. But don’t watch the second “Sex and the City” movie!!
  4. Manically disinfect all of your door handles.
  5. Disinfect your phone.
  6. Wait — stop — don’t touch your face!
  7. Call your mom.
  8. Disinfect your phone again.
  9. Stare longingly out the window and reminisce about all times you touched your face before quarantine.
  10. Do laundry for the 44th time this week.
  11. Browse Obama’s Twitter account.
  12. Make a gin and tonic in a mug.
  13. Rage-browse Trump’s Twitter account.
  14. Ask yourself, “If my family weren’t my family, would we still hang out?”
  15. Stand in front of the mirror and mournfully congratulate yourself about how beautiful you would have looked as you shook Kathy Murray’s hand at your now-cancelled graduation.
  16. Have a panic-induced blackout; awaken to find you have typed “my business here is to learn” 652 times into your notes app.
  17. Watch the seventh Instagram live video on your feed today where someone is showing off their new sourdough starter.
  18. Consider making sourdough starter, then fall asleep face-down for eight minutes
  19. Un-mute yourself to say “Yeah, just to piggy-back off that point…” and repeat what the last person said.
  20. Consider the psychological implications of your attraction to Dr. Anthony Fauci.
  21. Google “panic attack or COVID-19?”
  22. Watch that Vine of the deer screaming 23 times in a row.
  23. Disinfect your phone.
  24. Google “Where is Joe Biden?”
  25. Google “If Joe Biden robot can he get corona?”
  26. Accidentally un-mute yourself while washing your hands and worry that everyone thinks you were peeing.
  27. Open your cupboards to see if you ate all your quarantine food yet.
  28. Consider going to the store for more quarantine snacks but chicken out at the last second.
  29. Give in, watch the second “Sex and the City” movie.
  30. Disinfect your phone.
  31. Disinfect your phone.
  32. Disinfect your phone.