Whitman faculty and staff were shocked this week as students returned to classes healthier after allowing them to stay home sick. 

Following the announcement that sick students should be excused from class without verification from the health center, many professors noticed an initial drop in attendance. However, to their surprise and delight, absent students magically returned to class later in the week, only now somehow healthy and rested. 

“It’s like something out of a fairy tale, or a sci-fi movie,” said a professor from the math department. “One day they were gone from class, and a few days later they just returned. Nobody brought coffee that’s brewed with Red Bull to class, and everyone paid attention. It was like, instead of droning on to class of soulless husks, I was teaching real human students … I had no idea class could be like this.”

This professor is now reconsidering his policy of allowing only one unexcused absence. 

Another professor, who normally does not allow students to leave the room during class even to use the bathroom remarked, “Nothing is more important than every single word that I say, so I was surprised when students who had missed a class came back without their brains having turned to mush without my wisdom. This policy isn’t as awful as I thought it would be.”

Administrators also informed faculty and staff that they must stay home if they are ill, charitably mentioning that if they have not accrued enough sick leave, they should use vacation time instead. A vacation, how thoughtful!

One staff member who had to stay home this week told The Wire, “I, personally, am thrilled that I was forced to use vacation time toward breaking my fever and spitting out phlegm. The chicken soup from a can was sublime, and sweating through my sheets felt great. It was honestly more enjoyable than my honeymoon.”

Even if you are well, The Wire would like to remind you to wash your hands, try not to touch your face and just stay home.