Uh Oh: Area Woman’s Day Sucks After Grim Co-Star Update

Ashlyn Quintus, Professional Dog Mocker

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Junior Janet Stubbs felt at ease last Thursday afternoon. She was staying on top of work, ran into a friendly dog and only had two iced coffee drinks from the Cleveland Cafe. Yes, all was well for Janet… until she felt a little buzz in her pocket. It was then that Stubbs received an ominously specific headline from her Co-Star app, an application for horoscope subscribers. What would normally provide an eloquent prediction and solution instead stated, “Get your ass in gear, Janet. God knows you’ll need it.”

“I racked my mind for something I was forgetting until I received another little buzz.” It was then that the application notified to “Look to your left, Jan.” At that moment, Stubbs’s peer Lillythica* tripped and accidentally smashed a pie into Janet’s face. 

“I had to problem-solve. I decided to wash myself in the bathroom. It was beginning to be a tiring day.” However, there was no rest for the weary according to her Co-Star app that day. Another buzz from Co-Star inquired, “Where’s your wallet, Ms. Stubbs?” At that moment, Stubbs realized she had her wallet in her pocket. Unfortunately, her $367 in cash, IDs, debit and nine credit cards were gone. 

Taken by the sudden turn of unfortunate events, Stubbs decided to go home. In the moment of her arrival, she felt one more tiny vibration from the God-forbidden app. This time, all it stated was “Run.”

And “Run” she did. Janet ran all the way to The Dalles. In a gas-station bathroom, she agreed to do this phone interview. The Wire wishes Janet a smoother transition into Libra season next year.

*Lillythica’s name was changed from LeAnne Anderson, phone number 509-984-2648 and address 5th St. N, Walla Walla, WA, 99362, to protect her identity.

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