In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes.

Rumors floated around campus earlier that year that there was a professor who lived a double life as a garden gnome.  However, it was not until that first day of classes that the students began to sift through the evidence:

1st piece of evidence: Her hats! Everyday she arrives equipped with another wool hat. Perhaps it is in an attempt to hide the fact that she is a garden gnome? They have pointy heads, so this isn’t that much of a leap!

2nd piece of evidence: Her personal office — decorated with scraps of withered plants, and pots of unused soil… could it be that she finds safety and protection among the ceramic pots and nicely curated rocks that remind her of her other job??!?  You tell me!

3rd piece of evidence: The slight hint of a constant cheery blush of her cheeks. Could that be the rosiness of utter joy and merriment? Possibly. Remember that 2003 study of gnomes and their sub-species that Whitman’s Gnomology and Other Magical Creatures department conducted?  The findings were inconclusive, but it is still speculated that garden gnomes are a very happy sub-species of gnomes by professors in that department.

4th piece of evidence: She does mumble about gardens using highly specific vernacular, but a melting brain might be just an inherent part of having an 8 a.m. class three days a week.

5th piece of evidence: The disappearances. The Department of Missing Children (a very depressing branch of Security) has reported the seventeenth missing child this semester.

Said sophomore boy when asked about the subject, “I find it very puzzling, she appears to be so kind, and maternal, but then I remember that she is a garden gnome, and I kinda just get scared. Aren’t gnomes the ones that lure sailors to their deaths?”

From the investigative branch of The Wire, we’d like to remind you to stay ever vigilant and that sirens are the ones that lure you to your death whilst sailing. Take Intro to Gnomology, you fucking idiots.