Student Surveillance Soars to Sensational State!

Anthony Reale, Moistest Envelope Licker '73

After an extensive research project, The Wire has uncovered a shocking crime perpetrated by the administration.  The crime — student surveillance — was committed by Director of Bullhorns, Mad Lib Emails and Communications, Grosh Grensen. Grensen apparently used the same techniques as Ms. Frizzle from The Magic School Bus series to shrink himself down and sit directly inside the ear holes of each student.

While he was within the ear canal, Grensen placed a Student Listening and UndersTanding device (or S.L.U.T. for short.)  These S.L.U.T.s worked like a bluetooth headset or a landline with a really long cord — Grensen could hear every word the student heard and said with the ease of pushing a button. But the S.L.U.T.s were even better than any blueteeth — Grensen could also hear the thoughts of every student!

Illustration by Nathaly Perez

Grensen kept a log of the most interesting thoughts of Whitties in a diary that he kept next to the pool of radioactive slime he calls his desk.  This diary — found soaking wet — contained only thoughts about back hair. This reporter isn’t entirely sure of what to make of this information, just that it needed to be included in this article.

President Schmickel Pickle Schmurray has no plans to punish Grensen.  In fact, this reporter has uncovered that Schmurray has an evil plan as part of the administration’s villainous organization: the Super Evil AdministratioN Devoted to the Notable destrUction of stuDents’ happinEsS (or S.E.N.D.N.U.D.E.S. for short.)  Apparently, she plans to place her own mind control devices next to the S.L.U.T.s. Rumor has it that her devices are called C.L.O.W.N.s, but another extensive stint undercover will be required to confirm that information.

From The Wire’s Bureau of Actual ReconnaissancE and Not being Under conTrol or in chainS (or B.A.R.E.N.U.T.S.) we ask you to remain ever vigilant.  Don’t get trapped by the ever-evil S.E.N.D.N.U.D.E.S.