In an Unsurprising Turn of Events, Reel Rock 13 Viewing Turns Into a Giant Whitman Orgy

Maddie Ott, Firmest Jello '06

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With the thundering and heavy noises of Adam Ondra, a very well known rock climber, echoing in the ears of at least one hundred Whitman climbers and students at the much anticipated viewing of “Reel Rock 13” in Maxey auditorium last Thursday, the mood escalated from an excited murmur to a full blown two hours of intense sexual tension. As the audience watched Ondra soar to new physical and mental heights, the audience began to squirm slightly in their seats with anticipation. Many audience members resulted to clenching their neighbor’s arms and legs painfully, while some even started passionately moaning out-loud to match the intensity of Ondra’s energy on screen. The climax of the movie was when Ondra attempted to flash (complete a route in the first try) a 5.15a (the hardest grade of climbing known to man, but actually not to mountain goats). By the time Ondra touched the wall the audience was practically rolling on the ground. Bizarre noises, emitted by both the audience and Ondra, shuddered throughout the room. As he began to climb the audience went ballistic. Naglenes were thrown into the air in moments of passion, and there were multiple screams of “Keep going!! I am—I mean he—is almost there!” Wild, ferocious, glances were cast around the room as the audience watched in wonder as Ondra clipped the last quickdraw and completed the route. The room was silent for approximately 30 seconds as all the built-up tension that had been maintained for the last 45 minutes was released. There was a brief intermission of time where the audience regained their whereabouts, and then they were back at it, slowly building up stamina for the final film, featuring audience favorite, Alex Honnold  another famous rock climber. As the final movie began, and scenes of untouched rock summits in the Antarctic unfolded before the crowd, the moans were released.

(If this opportunity sounds interesting to you and your significant other, or group of friends, there is will be another opportunity to attend it for “Reel Rock 14,” next year.)

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