Jumping in Leaf Piles: Whimsical Fall Activity or Something More Sinister?

Maude Lustig, Eternal Being of Light

Raking leaves: we all hate it. Yet this eons old chore has always offered a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel: Jumping in The Freaking Leaf Pile. The most fun-loving amongst us might even toss some leaves up in the air, and let them rain down on their heads. Yet, could this beloved activity be a front for something much more insidious? Let’s find out.

Nine-year-old Florida Pumpkin just had such a rude awakening. After spending hours painstakingly raking up the leaves in her yard, young Florida prepared to hop into the pile only to find that it was filled with KITCHEN KNIVES!! DO YOU HEAR ME? KITCHEN KNIVES! Luckily, Ms. Pumpkin remained unscathed — noticing a slight gleam from under a maple leaf.

“I saw a liddle knife, and I said uh-oh! Knives awe shawp!” Florida elucidated. She immediately ran in to inform her parents, who were reasonably terrified.

“I just don’t know who would do such a thing! Our precious baby with her beautiful lisp could have been gravely injured,” added Mrs. Pumpkin, age 45 but keeping it tight. To add another wrinkle to this bizarre story, the knives appeared to come from the Pumpkins’ own kitchen, pointing to the possibility of an inside job. Nevertheless, what matters is that everyone escaped safely.

“I tink I’ll neva wake the leaves again,” added little Florida, with a wink. Be sure to check every leaf pile for knives before jumping into it. And, maybe, reconsider making your kids rake the leaves at all.