Pumpkin pandemonium: 5 new pumpkin items you just have to try!

Ben Kearney, Your friendly neighborhood pumpkin analyzer

Illustration by Eli Rodriguez.

Hey all you fall lovers out there!

That’s right, it’s pumpkin season baby! Whether you take your pumpkin basic, or like to spice it up, there’s a variety of new pumpkin items just waiting for you to try. So hold on onto your seats cause you will be filled with guts and spitting out seeds when you hear what’s new this fall season.

1. Pumpkin Deodorant

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “doesn’t Old Spice have a pumpkin flavor?” Well, this stick of deodorant is actually a pumpkin pie shoved into a tube like a fake worm in a can. Smear it under your armpits and give you—and the ants about to crawl up your legs—a treat!

2. Pumpkin Mouthguard

For the wrestlers out there, this one’s for you. Scientists (cough, Jeff Bezos) have been hard at work using the outside skin of pumpkin to protect your sensitive jawline. Just slap it in, and you’re good to get down and dirty on the mat. Just make sure to change it out every few weeks. 

3. Pumpkin Face Wash

Acne is a bitch, we all know that. Are you tired of using boring face wash to maybe make your skin not look like snake skin? Well, here’s the perfect solution for you! Try the face wash that will have you smelling like a pumpkin patch and have everyone saying “look how orange you fucking look!”

4. Pumpkin Umbrella

Who uses an umbrella in the Pacific Northwest? No one! NEXT!

5. Pumpkin Scented Underwear

Okay, why? Whose idea was this one? Well, if you’re into ghoulish roleplaying, or Frankenstein on Tuesdays, this one’s for you! Calvin Klein have really outdone themselves with their stylish new pumpkin scented underwear collection. Smells so good, you’ll want to take a bite. Wait, are they edible now?

Well, what are you waiting for pumpkin lovers? Go get these pumpkin items now!