Non-PNW Residents, here’s your guide to rain

Ben Kearney, It’s raining from your tears

Okay you newbies, listen up.

Obviously if you’re new to the beautiful Pacific Northwest, then you know it gets wet and no I don’t mean from sex. Yes, it does rain a lot here. But don’t freak out, I’m here as a resident Washingtonian to tell you how to deal with God’s tears from above.

First of all, you don’t need an umbrella. You’re wasting money buying a dumb piece of plastic that may or may not cut your finger. Also, no one uses an umbrella here. At all. If you want to look like you belong in Washington, do not buy an umbrella. We just let the rain bounce off of us like homework from teachers. If you wear the appropriate attire, you’ll make it through the storm just like everyone in Seattle does 85% of the year.

Illustration by Madi Welch.

Speaking of which. Do not wear shorts in the rain. No one cares if you’re sweaty Karen, just deal with it. Once you’re in the sanctuary of your suburban household, pour yourself a glass of Safeway chardonnay and relax in whatever unflattering pajamas you wanna wear. 

Next up, avoid only big puddles. A small puddle won’t ruin your fresh new Nikes, Chad, and it won’t make you spill your caramel macchiato, Chloe. The only puddle you should avoid is the hole filled with tears your ex made when they broke your heart.

Finally, this one is important. Don’t give a shit about the rain. Rain goes away, unlike the Marcus Whitman statue. So don’t waste tears on complaining about being wet for five minutes. Save that for the bitch you’ve always wanted to slap for cutting you in line everyday at the bus stop.

Other than those tips, you should be able to navigate rain just fine. If you have any questions feel free to go to [] for more information.