In a board meeting on Monday, the staff of Penrose Library — after hearing that the entire endowment had been spent on Cleveland Commons — realized that they would not have any money to keep the bathrooms nice and toasty over the Thanksgiving break. After a panicked silence, head librarian Book S. Argreat decided to finally give into administration pressure to burn some books that the admins saw fit to ban.

On the list of less important than bathroom heat are some classics that you love to love and love to hate. Titles like “Moby Dick,” “Captain Underpants” and Ina Garten’s “Cooking for Jeffrey” are headed toward the incinerator faster than anyone can say “Hey, Ms. Argreat! Please don’t burn those books! We have children who need to learn how to read so they can enrich their experience in this crazy, messed up world!”

Regardless of all the sad bookworms protesting outside the library, campus seems to be reacting pretty positively to this news.  The demand for the bathrooms to be hotter than the actual bottom floor of Satan’s summer villa has been increasing as the sun has stopped shining. Rejoice, campus! The library’s bathrooms will allow students to be cooked medium-well throughout the winter season.