How to Survive These Times: Liberal Snowflake Edition

Maddie Ott, Allergic to Muppets

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We’ve all been there… your new iPhone 8 vibrates in your pocket and you eagerly glance at it hoping to see a text but are completely blindsided by an Apple News Update that brings your glorious liberal bubble crashing down. Brett Kavanaugh has been voted into the supreme court. Attempting to reconcile this utter bomb of information most liberals turn to ten easy steps of understanding and internalizing the current politics of the United States, or should I say (un)united states.
  1. Crumple into a small ball on the ground, and clench your fists
  2. Drink two liters of water only through the straw in your hydro flask and eat a crisp apple
  3. Stand up and say something profound about the polarization of US politics to the group of people you’re with
  4. Take a screenshot of some profound work of art or quote on the internet and post it to your Instagram story with the words “Please Vote” outlined in bright yellow font
  5. Post another photo of the phone numbers of senators after the first voting photo on your story
  6. Call your parents, listen to your smart, equally liberal parents who have been reading there New York Times
  7. Repeat the wise thing you just heard your parents say to your friends
  8. Impress your friends with your knowledge of the electoral college and stating the names of as many US senators as possible
  9. Eat a vegan cookie
  10. Go online and buy a pair of Blundstone shoes straight from the Website
With these ten easy steps, any confused and sad liberal can come to terms with the current politics of the United States. We can find resolution with time and therapy. We can survive in these cold dark times.
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