Panhellenic cancels Sorority recruitment in light of giant bird destroying tea sandwich table

Ann Karneus, Afraid of Bicycles

This weekend was supposed to be the finale of recruitment, where first years would attend Tea Day and ultimately decide which sorority they clicked with the most. But what happened next was nowhere to be found on the recruitment schedule. As people sat down for an afternoon of festivities, a shrill and loathsome squawk suddenly pierced down from the heavens, shattering pitchers full of pink lemonade. Before anyone could even identify the noise, a dark shadow fell over the venue, and a reportedly 20-foot long bird descended upon Tea Day with a maw as large as a full grown man—and an appetite that needed satiating. After laying waste to all the decorations in a ceaseless rage, the creature, most recently reported to be a beast sent straight from the pits of hell, turned its cruel, beady eyes to the tea trays stacked high with cucumber cream cheese sandwiches. An affiliated eye witness says that platter after platter slid down its gullet in a terrifying feeding frenzy. This same woman, who wished to remain anonymous, remarked: “We’re lucky that there were so many sandwiches at hand, because I’m not sure we would still be standing if that bird hadn’t been satisfied.” After eating its fill, the bird spread its massive wings and launched itself into the sky in a flurry of feathers, sending a final tremor through the earth. Panhellenic has declined to comment at this time.