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Cops Call Crook’s Creators

Clara Wheeler, Cub Scout

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Due to the recent ineffectiveness of gun control laws to keep dangerous firearms out of the hands of criminals, police all around the country have started taking more drastic measures to keep the streets safe. In a new act, police are calling criminals’ mothers to let them know what their children have been up to.

Though a strikingly simple idea, this measure has been extremely effective. In a shootout last week, one such criminal, Jimmy “Whipsnake” Therough, agreed to put down his weapon and surrendered in exchange for the police on scene not pressing the dial button on their cell phones. “Man, my mom would be devastated if she found out what I was up to,” Whipsnake said as he was led away in handcuffs. “I can’t rip the family apart! Think of all the dinners, ruined! The only seasoning in her famous spaghetti sauce would be salt from her tears.”

The police force have found that the mothers’ crestfallen tone and the phrases “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed,” and “Where did I go wrong?” usually suffices to reduce lawbreakers to a puddle of shame and apology. The tear-soaked individuals can then be easily rounded up and brought in for processing. Coming soon, police are looking into bringing in puppies to reduce the combativeness of drunken individuals.

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Whitman news since 1896
Cops Call Crook’s Creators