Top 8 Reasons People Didn’t Vote This Election Season

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer

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Close to 43 percent of eligible voters did not cast a ballot during last week’s election. Obviously, those 95 million fully-fledged adults must have had good reason to stay home, right? Sure enough, here are the top reasons people didn’t vote:

  1. Got really swamped signing online petitions to abolish the electoral college.
  2. Donald Trump told them election day was November 28.
  3. Law and Order: SVU was on TV.
  4. Couldn’t find a black pen.
  5. America was never meant to be a real democracy, so what’s the point? (Did you even read Federalist number 10?)
  6. Body temporarily paralyzed by the enchanting powers of CNN’s electoral touch-screen map and the silky-smooth tones of Wolf Blitzer.
  7. Technically did vote … for fucking Harambe.
  8. Next-door neighbor voted, and he had a yard sign for the guy I liked, so I’m pretty much covered.
  9. (Actual voter suppression and discriminatory ID laws).