Close to 43 percent of eligible voters did not cast a ballot during last week’s election. Obviously, those 95 million fully-fledged adults must have had good reason to stay home, right? Sure enough, here are the top reasons people didn’t vote:

1. Got really swamped signing online petitions to abolish the electoral college.
2. Donald Trump told them election day was November 28.
3. Law and Order: SVU was on TV.
4. Couldn’t find a black pen.
5. America was never meant to be a real democracy, so what’s the point? (Did you even read Federalist number 10?)
6. Body temporarily paralyzed by the enchanting powers of CNN’s electoral touch-screen map and the silky-smooth tones of Wolf Blitzer.
7. Technically did vote … for fucking Harambe.
8. Next-door neighbor voted, and he had a yard sign for the guy I liked, so I’m pretty much covered.
9. (Actual voter suppression and discriminatory ID laws).