THIS JUST IN: Parents just really think you should major in BBMB

“Honey, your cousin Tim majored in Biology at the U, and he’s in med school now! And remember, there’ll always be sick people in the world to care for, but how long do you think there’ll be people willing to read your critical reexamination of the Male Gaze? Plus, that Bruce Jenner is a woman now, so what do you even need to study gender for, anyways?”

Seniors recover from Sisyphean thesis ordeal

According to multiple reports, seniors across campus are beginning the slow process of recovery after Sisyphean efforts to finish their theses. Said one Senior (who, on a completely unrelated note attends a prestigious liberal arts college and recently went on a Spring Break trip to Hawaii), “That was literally the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do! I mean, there were so many deadlines, and it just felt like I’d never finish…the odds were totally stacked against me. My thesis was 40 pages! That’s like, four normal papers–but in one paper!” At press time, the entire senior class was walking around the library at their college, warning other students of the impending trials they must suffer through in order to graduate from this institution of higher learning.

Join the self-righteous liberals club!

Do you love Senator Bernie Sanders (praise be His name)? Seeking an outlet to prove how much more legitimately liberal you are than your peers? Were you interested in campaign finance reform before it was cool? Aren’t voting for Hillary Clinton in the general election “on principle”? Do you enjoy subverting the mainstream media by sharing the real news each day to your army of Facebook followers (aka blind sheeple)? Will you refuse to be complicit in the ascendence of Donald Trump to the Presidency? In other words, are you America’s next great guerilla politico?

Then join us! The world needs saving, and damn it if we’re not out there trying our darndest to do just that.

The self-righteous liberals club meets in the front row of any introductory politics class. So come on in, take a seat, and start letting others know just how much capitalism is “like, really exploitative, guys.”

Health center overrun as Young Dems hold caucus power hour

Drink of choice was 99% proof liquor

Student wearing Hillary Clinton shirt BERNED at the stake in ritual sacrifice
on Ankeny

Author sincerely apologizes for such an unnecessary pun

Senate taps Noah Leavitt to fill Supreme Court vacancy

Did you know he went to law school?

Battle over next curator of OurWhitman Instagram account results in widespread carnage

“I will fight anyone who gets in the way of my #nofilter study selfie at Patiss.”

Mathy Kurray suspends IM dodgeball for 2 years for corruption and unsportsmanlike conduct

“It didn’t have to be like this, you neanderthals.”

Dance Moms films special feature on sorority Greekend Dances

“I didn’t come here to make friends, I came to win,” said one sorority woman.

Students create bracket to compete with peers to see who cares the least about sports ball

“I’ve got that Lonely Island song about sports memorized, so my chances are looking pretty good,” says apathetic hipster.