Snapchat Epidemic Annoyingly Persists

Ben Freedman, humor editor

There is an epidemic spreading across the Whitman campus, and it shows no signs of decline. I’m talking of course, about Snapchatting. According to a recent poll, eight out of ten Whitman students admit to using the application daily, and as the numbers increase, there is little that can be done to combat its growth. Luckily, there are some easy ways to know when your friend is “Snapping.”

First, look for a zombie-esque demeanor with arms outstretched, filming something that isn’t that cool. Or watch for individuals with stupid concentrated face quivers that indicate they are taking a selfie (and upon realizing they have been spotted, they quickly grin sheepishly and utter a nervous chuckle). In either case, the best course of action is to scoff and walk away in a dignified air.

Let the records show, I do not claim that there are no benefits to Snapchatting. In fact, making your friends aware of your trip to a small artisan bistro certainly has a place and time; but damn it, we’re not in Portland, and that time is not now! Instead of indulging that need to satisfy your diminishing sense of self worth, try some of the proven alternatives to excessive Snapchatting. These include (but are not limited to): not Snapchatting, making peace with the squirrels, dropping acid and making peace with the squirrels or gathering up the courage to actually talk to that girl you felt the need to send a vague and surprisingly suggestive Snap to.

Whether it’s to be a decent human being or to avoid NSA surveillance into your personal life, withdrawing allegiance to the Snapchat overlord is a good choice and you will not regret it. In fact, a wise man once called Snapchat the New Age Heroin. So the question seems clear–do you want to become the next Phillip Seymour Hoffman? Well, minus the years of stellar acting and lavish Hollywood lifestyle, the answer seems clear. I’m sure you will make the right decision.