As the exclusively American “Greek” system is shunned by woefully unrespected celebrities such as Will Ferrell, Whitman has once again proven that everything about it goes above and beyond when Whitman’s chapter of Phi Delta Theta won the Nobel Peace Prize.
“I mean, check out my hair,” said Chapter president Brandon Paris.
“Only peaceful people have hair this long. The guys chose me to represent them because they think my hair goes a long way towards making a stand for peace and chillin, and that’s what we are, really, a bunch of chillers.”
The head of the Nobel Prize search committee, Mary Jane, remarked on how fully the chapter has embraced the notions of passive non-violence.
“It’s almost like you can smell it when you walk in the house. It pervades every aspect of their chapter. When you are in the house, you won’t see people fighting. You either see them sitting around in circles engaging in meaningful conversation, or listening to interesting music, or going down to the kitchen for huge bowls of cereal and plates piled with quesadillas.”
Sophomore Parker Silverman remarked that when he became a Phi, the chill “vibe” the chapter gave off attracted him and has since influenced him in a positive way.
“All my bros are just so, so relaxed. Before joining Phi I was…shall I say outspoken? I dunno, my mom called me obnoxious sometimes but my pull ratio was off the charts. Anyway….uh…yeah, I would say Phi has definitely made me a lot more relaxed. I spend a lot of time around the house just hanging out with my dudes.”
Phi Delta Theta was actually kicked off campus somewhere in the 1980’s because of how unpeaceful they were.
“Yeah, I’ve heard alumni tell stories about how they threw kegs off the roof–actually, that’s the dent in the sidewalk that they said was caused by that incident, right there,” said Paris.
Jane said that part of the reason for the bestowal of the award was because of the progress the chapter has managed to make since then.
“For instance, look at Brandon’s hair. I think just the fact that he now has long hair evidences the fact that the chapter has put some serious work into becoming more peaceful, and that work is what this award recognizes.”
[It is unclear whether or not Jane realizes that the Paris was not in fact a part of the chapter during the eighties.]
Newly initiated member Daniel Whalen has thoroughly enjoyed what he calls the “opportunities for chilling” that joining Phi have afforded him.
“In high school, I was pretty worried about being cool. But like in Phi, that’s not even an issue. If you’re chill, you’re chill. No one even gives a f*** what you wear. Plus [Chef] Bob’s salad bar…I love that everyone in Phi eats so much salad. Everyone knows salad is good for you.”
Salad is indeed healthy, late-night conversations while sitting in circles is indeed chill, and long hair certainly indicates a desire for a peaceful world. Congratulations, Phi Delta Theta, for your deserved recognition.
