On the night of Monday March 30, 2015, after the first day of classes for most Whitman College students, President Jorge Ponts sent an official warning email to the entire community. Although it was hitherto unclear as to what exactly occurred on that night, the President clearly stated that Hollywood superstar Shia LaBeouf had appeared on campus “naked and bloodied,” and managed to “terrorize” a few select groups of students.
After confirming the reports were not prank calls, Campus Security sent their army of six officers to search for the disheveled celebrity. Fortunately no students were significantly physically harmed, but Security was unable to locate the estranged man due to an unfortunately timed streaking event through which LaBeouf was able to blend in and escape.
“We heard something growl and… [stifling sobs] there he was, blood everywhere holding what looked like a human arm,” explained one student regarding his close encounter with LaBeouf near the Organic Garden. According to combined accounts, LaBeouf approached the students menacingly, but decided not to attack after further inspection. This is most likely due to the relative lankiness of Whitman Students and their corresponding hobo-esque, cannibalistic appearance.
Although President Ponts’ email understandably advised students to stay away from dark streets and not walk alone, he also required that students report any and all sightings of the wild man. This desperate search is not, as one would assume, because of his potential to inflict physical harm but to bring him into an urgent investigation of sexual assault.
Since one victim recounted that LaBeouf grabbed his female friend’s thigh without consent, Whitman College administrators have noted a potential Title IX case involving the celebrity. The woman insisted, “he wanted to eat me, not rape me,” but the college adamantly wishes to detain the man to further investigate the matter.
Until then, the Whitman community can only hope that actual, cannibal Shia LaBeouf is distracted by the meaty convicts in the Walla Walla Penitentiary and chooses not to wreak further havoc upon the school.
