Stunning poll shows winter vacation was ‘fine, thanks’

Trevor Lewis

Groundbreaking New Poll Reveals That Winter Break Was “Fine”

Readers, I know that many of you have searched far and wide to learn about the quality of your acquaintances’ winter breaks. Well, look no further! A new study funded by the national organization AAST (Americans Against Small Talk) has found conclusively that winter break was “fine.” As a dedicated member of the press, I felt obligated to investigate further. That is why I met with Chet Barker, world renowned iguana breeder and the brains behind the recent poll.

As I made my way to Chet’s office, I was met with the sweet, sweet smell of success (or possibly iguana semen, I’ve always thought the two had a similar odor).

Backpage: So Chet, I’ve heard you’ve finally unlocked the mysteries behind the quality of everyone’s winter breaks.

Chet:  Indeed I have, but it was by no means easy. Why I had teams of dedicated iguanas working around the clock to accumulate the amount of data that I wanted.

BP: Sounds painstaking.

Chet: Yes, it was. However, in the end my team pulled through to bring the Whitman community this groundbreaking conclusion.

BP: And that would be?

Chet: Almost 70% of those who responded claimed their winter breaks were “fine.” This response dominated our other usual top contenders: “good”, “OK” and ” it’s two o’clock in the morning, why the hell are you in my room?”

BP: Remarkable! So what do you see in the future for Chet Barker?

Chet: I’ve got three words for you my good man: illegal iguana racing.

As the stench of what I am now fairly certain was not success left my nostrils, I pondered my interaction with Chet. While I do dislike the inherent disingenuousness in much of small talk, I also believe that, like many things, there is a time and place for it. So though your winter break may have been “fine,” don’t be afraid to elaborate.