Readers, I know that many of you have searched far and wide to learn about the quality of your acquaintances’ winter breaks. Well, look no further! A new study funded by the national organization AAST (Americans Against Small Talk) has found conclusively that winter break was “fine.” As a dedicated member of the press, I felt obligated to investigate further. That is why I met with Chet Barker, world renowned iguana breeder and the brains behind the recent poll.

The sun was high as the Varsity Whitman Privilege-Checking Team made their way out onto the field (the maintenance costs of which alone could have fed a Somalian family for months as privilege checking...