When I discovered Whitman College was ranked first in economic homogeneity out of 91 excellent schools, I was so overcome with elation that I almost spilled cognac all over my ocelot fur robe (that’s 100 percent pure Indonesian ocelot, none of that shit from the Philippines). After hearing the good news, naturally I called my longtime rival in the international yacht derby, close personal friend and Whitman Board of Trustees member John Stanton.

With the hair of Apollo himself and the gaze of a disgruntled Norseman, Stanton is a man of outstanding caliber. His dedication to his work at Whitman is such that he is determined to finish what he started no matter what the recommended maximum term of service might be. I went to Stanton’s abode just last week to congratulate him on the award soon to be bestowed upon Whitman.

As subterranean lairs go, let me tell you ladies and gentlemen, John’s is none too shabby. Panda skins lined the walls and an emaciated and shackled David Bowie was forced to perform “Space Odyssey” for our entertainment.

After John and I exchanged pleasantries, smeared peanut butter over Alan Greenspan’s naked writhing body and sacrificed a goat to Bill Gates, I got down to brass tacks about the award for economic homogeneity that had been recently bestowed upon Whitman.

Backpage: John, may I first say that that was one of the finest non-consensual musical performances I’ve heard in a while.

John Stanton: Why thank you. You know, I pay a lot of good money to ensure Mr. Bowie is fed nothing but orphan tears and low-grade circus peanuts.

BP: Well, it definitely pays off. Anyway, I’ve been meaning to congratulate you on the award for economic homogeneity that Whitman is soon to receive. I know you spent a lot of time and effort to ensure that Whitman stays a haven for rich white kids coasting through life on their parents’ money.

JS: Thank you again. You know it certainly wasn’t easy, but this has been a goal we’ve had for a while now. I’m just happy that all the work the rest of the administration and I have been doing is finally being recognized.

BP: That’s great to hear, John.

As I ascended from the sulfurous depths and again felt the sweet caress of sun on my face, I realized something. John Stanton, great man that he is, had failed to entirely give credit where credit is due. After all, each and every one of us in the Whitman community have in some way contributed to the winning of the coveted most economically homogeneous award. Through our support of men like John or noble apathy in regard to things like rapidly decreasing need-based financial aid, I think we can all take pride in the fact that we’ve earned this prize together.+